The Long One
by Malkmusian
Summary: The dA cult classic comes to FF dot net with more stuff in it! It's the tale of MilkCan, as they suffer through the tribulation of being locked in a house, although not yet.
1. Lammy's Backstory

The Long Run: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions The Long Run: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions

**By**

Malkmusian

* * *

Chapter One: Lammy's Side of the Story

* * *

The lamb, who was about 18 years old and a senior in high school, was lying down on her bed, listening to the melodies of a certain Donald Glen Vliet of Arcata, California, about 100 miles from her hometown, Rodneytown. She was listening to his album "Lick My Decals Off, Baby", which tends to be his "best" and "overrated" album according to critics and music lovers alike. She had been a fan of Donald's music for almost her entire life, starting when she was three years old.

_When she was three years old, she was a typical egocentric diagnosed child, but her father dismissed it as typical lamb behavior, as lambs were quiet most of the time. Her mother knew something was wrong with her, but they dare didn't take her to the doctor. They knew that she would scream and pitch a fit at the doctor. She didn't even look at her parents, much less the doctor. All that changed after a baptismal ceremony when her dad's friend, Robert Plant, came over with some useless records of Donald's music and put them in the daughter's room. The daughter was asleep, after pitching a fit at the baptismal ceremony, but she woke up when he exited the room. She wobbled to the records, grabbed out one that had a funny looking fish man on it with the words "Trout Mask Replica" typed in Times Roman font, and removed everyone of its contents. Out came two records, as it was a double album, that weren't played but at least once. She found a record player in the corner of the room and put one of the records on. Suddenly, some very bad-sounding-and-loud sounds played through the speakers. Her mind suddenly switched as well. She didn't have to rely on others anymore. She could speak._

_She yelled, "Uncle Robert! Come in here! The sounds cured me!"_

_From the other side of the house, Robert was drinking a pint of Guinness when he heard the yell from the daughter. He ran to her room and saw her listening to the music, somehow understanding it on her first listen in her lifetime._

_He said to her, "Lammy! How'd you know the records were in your room?"_

_Lammy replied, "I don't know. I regained my speaking skills that I lost during my second year. I can now look at you."_

_Robert was amazed. Not only did Lammy convert from retard to smarter-than-average kid that had an extreme love for music, he had found a cure for mental retardation. He thought about marketing it, but he thought about the author of this fanfiction and didn't like that concept. He left it a secret._

_Soon, her dad gained notice of this and let Lammy keep the records for personal listening. Since those records were in print at that time on LP, Robert got more LPs and forgot to contact his friend about it. The town forgot Lammy was retarded and even found out that she wasn't retarded anymore, even if she listened to her records everyday or if she didn't listen to them for many, many years._

_Lammy, at age 5, came back from school, being teased as the "lamb that loved that weirdo who made some guy use profanity on SNL because he performed so 'terrible'". She ran to her room, where she saw the Captain Beefheart records in front of her. She picked out a record she had never played before. It was a white record with her favorite band standing at a planetarium, while the band's name was at the top. It was all coated in a clear sleeve that said "Clear Spot". She got out the record, put it on, and was instantly enthralled to the melodies of the even more listenable Magic Band, especially dancing to the title track, a song about Indian murders and running to find a clear spot just to not get hit._

_Her father ran in and said, "You didn't play this record before. Are you moving backwards in social skills and language?"_

_Lammy was silent for a second and said, "Daddy, it's still making me normal. In fact, if I can, I can listen to this just once a decade and I'll still be normal."_

_Her father was confused. This music wasn't normal Magic Band material, but it was still keeping Lammy extremely normal._

_He said, "Have you ever wanted to play those songs he makes?"_

_Lammy nodded her head yes and they ran outside the house to go to the music store down the street._

_Inside, Fleaswallow, the proprietor of the business, was running the counter and organizing the guitars and maracas in order when, out of nowhere, the Pages walked in._

_He said to Lammy's father, "Hello, Mr. Page. It's a pleasure to meet you. What would you like to buy?"_

_Lammy's father replied, "I'd like to get a good acoustic/electric for my daughter. I bet she doesn't need lessons, but she hasn't played. She's been listening to Captain Beefheart for the past two years and it's been driving her crazy just to learn all of those notes."_

_Fleaswallow grabbed a Chet Atkins-model guitar from the shelf and handed it to Lammy's dad. He paid it and they walked back to the house._

_Inside the house, Lammy was messing with the acoustic/electric, trying to play it with her right hand. Everytime, the fingers kept messing up. She was predominantly left-handed._

_Her dad walked in and said, "So you're left-handed, eh? Well, let me restring that guitar for you."_

_He grabbed the guitar and restrung it to a left-handed position. She grabbed it and still played a bit bad on it. He didn't mind. He would see his daughter improve._

_Well, Jimmy Page was right. Lammy improved over the next few years, learning the easier songs first ("Her Eyes Are A Blue Million Miles"; "Upon the My-Oh-My"; "Tropical Hot Dog Night") while progressing to the intermediate songs next ("Ella Guru"; "Electricity"; "Ah Feel Like Ahcid") and finally ending up over at the extremely hard songs soon after ("Wild Life"; "Big Eyed Beans From Venus"; "Owed T'Alex"). She kept practicing until she was proficient at the guitar, strumming it and plucking it with ease…and the year after that, she witnessed the release of the Beefheart collection onto CD. She was 10._

_She was excelling in school, even making a few friends, but always losing them when she mentioned that she loved this specific artist she loved. As a consequence, she developed ridiculously low self-esteem, losing all faith in everything, except for her music, her studies, and her guitar. Soon, she had degressed to the point where she can't do normal life without thinking of her guitar._

That was...until 11th grade…

* * *

She had entered the grade with dignity and respect, but she was put into Advanced Chemistry with two unlikely lab partners with a similar taste in music. One was a blue cat with a yellow curl of hair that still believed that she could dress like she was in the 1970s, so she had on a sleeveless blue shirt with a star in the middle, some bell-bottom jeans, and platform shoes. The other girl next to her was a Chinese mouse with a dynamite stick sticking out of its head and wearing a red dress with red flip-flop sandals on her feet.

Lammy hit her head on the table and thought, "Oh, dear. Help me. How am I to know them?"

The blue cat, who was named Katy, tapped Lammy on the shoulder and said, "Hey, friend. What's wrong?"

Lammy grumbled, "Nothing."

Katy sighed and then said, "Friend, I know something's wrong. Now tell me."

Lammy sighed and replied, "Okay, 'friend'. I'm not your friend yet, but I would like to be if you answer this certain question: Do you like Captain Beefheart?"

Katy happily replied, "Clear Spot was a good album, but I don't listen to anything that was released before 1970. Sorry if I haven't listened to your favorite, which is that fish album people talk about."

Lammy then said, "Well, I like 'Lick My Decals Off' better. By the way, I'm Lammy, last name Page."

Katy replied, "I see. My name's Katy, last name Kat. I think I'm in love with my friend."

Lammy said, "What friend? Me? I'm not a lesbian!"

The Chinese mouse interrupted in a conversation of squeaks. Lammy was confused.

She said to the mouse, "If you know Katy so well, is she a lesbian? How can I understand you? All you do is go 'squeak, squeak, squeak'!!"

The Chinese mouse slapped Lammy on the face and said in her language, "(Trust me, Lammy. I'm positive that Katy is not a lesbian. Oh, and by the way, my name is Ma-san. My family runs the Chinese pharmacy downtown. Oh, and if you don't know why you understand my language, here's two words: Ed Marimba.)"

Lammy now had it. She met somebody who somehow used the drummer of the Magic Band in a reference to translating her language, she had met one who might be obsessed with drumming…and ran that Chinese pharmacy that was sometimes charged for selling marijuana to Bob Dylan and the occupants of the Yellow Submarine in 1964.

Katy said to Lammy, "Lammy, I'm not a lesbian…you must have no friends. You must be anti-social."

Lammy sighed and started to write another song. Katy tried to take a peek into what she was writing, but Lammy squirmed and ran out of the classroom. Ma-san shrugged her shoulders and got out her notebook. She grabbed her pencil and started to draw herself killing a banshee using her drumming skills.

Lammy ran inside the girl's bathroom and from there, got out her guitar, a 1959 Fender Mustang. She locked herself in a stall and started to play from there, but a student came in and heard these guitar sounds coming from a bathroom stall.

She said, "Hey, girl! I didn't know you played the guitar!"

Lammy lied, "Um…that wasn't me," and ran out of the stall, guitar in her hand.

The student looked at her and said, "What's with her?"

Lammy ran to another girl's room, where she confronted the same problem again, but this time, it was Ma-san. Lammy ran out of the stall and ran out of the school with various people chasing her. Her heart beat like a drum, her furry skin tinged with sweat, and her eyes focusing on the arcade down the road. She ran inside there and from there, locked herself in a stall in the girl's restroom, so she could play her guitar.

Lammy said to herself, "Yes! Yes! I don't have to play in public!" and suddenly the student body of Rodneytown High opened the door to the stall.

In front of Lammy, Katy said, "Lammy, I have come to reason with you! You see, our country needs you! You can't keep on runnin' like this forever!"

Lammy started to scream and the student body covered their ears. Lammy tried to sneak out, but various students blocked all entrances out. Katy walked closer to Lammy while Lammy squirmed away from her. Finally, she ducked and soon, she opened her eyes. Nobody was there. She walked out of the stall and the bathroom, seeing nobody in the student body. Suddenly, Katy and Ma-san popped out of nowhere, scaring Lammy.

Katy said to the already scared Lammy, "It's okay. We just wanted to know…why have you been hiding your guitar prowess from us after all of these years?"

Lammy sighed and said, "I'm a bad Lammy. I'm a very bad Lammy. I should've played at the talent show, but people don't like my favorite music. I have a better sense of ideals, but nobody wants to be different. Everybody wants to be a mold of somebody else. Jesus loved individuality."

Katy hugged Lammy and said in a smooth tone, her inflection getting louder and angrier every second she spoke, "Aw, Lammy. You didn't have to hide you guitar prowess because you loved Captain Beefheart! _How could you? You would be famous already!_"

Lammy broke down in tears and said, "I guess I don't like criticism that much. I don't know why. I didn't talk until I was three, at the moment when I listened to my first dose of the Captain's good medicine."

Katy hugged tighter and replied very calmly, "Lammy, it's okay…"

Suddenly, Ma-san squeaked, "(Can we break up this chick flick and get on with our everyday lives?)"

Lammy pulled away from Katy's grasp and walked to a random arcade machine, which happened to be Dance Dance Revolution. Katy followed Lammy and they put in a few quarters, enough to last them one game. Lammy and Katy picked their characters and soon picked some Beastie Boys song they called "Sabotage". Lammy slipped off her shoes and stood in the middle of the mat/controller in her socked feet. Suddenly, the song started. Lammy and Katy shook hands before they started to dance. Katy danced okay, but Lammy was somehow a whiz at the game, hitting every movement perfectly. Soon, the song ended and pronounced Lammy's character the winner.

Lammy stepped off the mat and said to Katy, "Nice game, wasn't it?"

Katy replied, "Yeah, it was, but how'd you do that?"

Ma-san stood next to them, slack-jawed. Lammy slipped her shoes back on and walked to another arcade machine, this time being a Galaga machine. She put in two quarters and started to play the game to no avail. She sucked at Galaga. Soon, she walked back to her new friends and they ran out of the arcade and back to their respected homes. Katy lived only a few apartment rooms down from Lammy while Ma-san lived at the Chinese pharmacy, as her family built a home on the other floors of it.

When Lammy got inside her apartment, her dad said to her, "Lammy, why'd you cause a commotion that was all over the news? Why'd you make the whole student body follow you because you had a guitar? Why am I asking you this? You're becoming popular, Lammy! You are, you are!"

Lammy blushed and replied, "Well, Daddy. I don't like playing in public, but I found some new friends today. One's a cat and one's a mouse. I seem to fit in perfectly. They're outcasts."

Jimmy then said, "You're not an outcast, Lammy. You're a regular teenager, just anthropomorphic. Your mom was like that and she was hot. In fact, I-"

Lammy interrupted, "Thanks, Daddy, but I don't want to get sick, do I?" and ran into her room, closing the door behind her.

She dropped her satchel onto her desk and removed her shoes. She put on "Lick My Decals Off, Baby" and fell on her bed, listening to the music. She grabbed her homework from her satchel and started doing it until she felt tired at the tailend of it. She fell asleep.

Somehow, later, Lammy woke up and walked out of her room. She saw nobody in the hall, as everybody was sleeping, and went to the kitchen. She ran to the fridge, got out some microwavable fish, and put it on a plate. She warmed it up and walked to her room to eat it. She put on her headphones and turned on "The Spotlight Kid". She soon ate and took off her clothes and her socks. She got into her pajamas and turned off everything, but after putting her dish in the sink. She fell asleep.

* * *

During the next few weeks, the meek lamb got together enough courage and enough strength to try out for many bands that had auditions in the Glendale-Palmdale-Los Angeles-Santa Monica-Rodneytown area. First off, she auditioned for the Magic Band, the famous backup band for Captain Beefheart. She played most of their songs correctly, but John French and Gary Lucas denied her, saying that she was too good. Next, she tried out for Joe Chin's All-Star-Ska-Band, made with former members of Reel Big Fish, the OC Supertones, Goldfinger, Jane's Addiction, Jellyfish, the Grandmothers, the Turtles, the Beatles, and Sublime. She played the stuff she knew to Joe Chin, who shook his head in dismay.

After the audition, Lammy asked him, "Did I do good?"

Joe yelled to her, "Hell no, you didn't! Get out and don't come back! How am I to make an all-star band if you aren't a star?"

Lammy showed Joe two fingers and ran out of the building, crying.

Soon, Lammy got news from a few students at Rodneytown that her friend Katy was forming a band and that she needed a drummer and guitarist. However, her requirements required the band to be all female, must be a natural at their instruments, and must arrive at practice on time. Lammy fit all requirements, so one day, and it was a Tuesday, she arrived at Katy's apartment and saw Katy sitting in a chair, judging many guitarists very harshly. When Katy called her up, Lammy grabbed the guitar case and walked up to the performance area.

Lammy said to Katy, "My name is Lammy Michelle Page and I play the Merc Montclair…er, I mean the guitar. I'll be performing," and tried to think of a song that fit Katy's harsh guidelines.

Finally, she blurted out, "When Big Joan Sets Up by Captain Beefheart & the Magic Band," and got out her guitar.

She plugged it in and grabbed a random pick from her pocket. She started to strum the guitar while holding down the correct notes played by Zoot Horn Rollo on the "Trout Mask Replica" recording. She got out a slide and put in on her right hand, to where she could slide the notes and chords with ease. Katy watched Lammy in amazement and thought about having a guitarist like her.

After Lammy had gotten to the point of the song to where it, on the recording, would transition to "Fallin' Ditch", Katy stood up and said, "Stop it right there! You are in the band! I didn't know you were that experimental, that commercial, that complex, and that professional at playing guitar!"

Lammy blushed and scratched her head, saying to her friend, "Heh, Katy, I know that whole album, along with 'Clear Spot', 'Lick My Decals Off', 'Shiny Beast', and 'Safe as Milk'. I know a few from the other albums, but some are just piano or saxophone jams made by Don."

Katy shook Lammy's hand and replied, "Well, you gotta know band practice is tomorrow. If you were wondering why I didn't hold auditions for a drummer, just wait and see what tomorrow brings!"

Lammy gave a peace sign to Katy and walked out the door, unplugging her guitar and grabbing her case on the way out. She put the guitar in her case and locked it, only then running to her apartment. She opened the door and her mom was at the kitchen, fixing taquitos for a guest that was coming over in a few minutes.

Lammy said to her mom, "Hello, Mom. Is my god-daddy coming over to visit on my progress?"

Mrs. Page replied, "You guessed right, Lammy-wammy! Your godfather Don's visiting and you know what that means! That means he's finally bringing that picture you paid him for. Also, if your friends could keep a secret, you could invite them."

Lammy gave a peace sign to her mom and ran to the telephone, where she dialed Katy and Ma-san's numbers. She invited them over to visit her godfather and they came soon enough.

Lammy said to Katy, "So did you get my…"

Katy replied, "Yes, I did, 'Lammy-wammy'," and started to laugh at the nickname Mrs. Page had given to her daughter.

Lammy scowled at Katy's laughter and said, "Don't make fun of me because my mom calls me babyish names, alright?"

Katy stopped laughing and agreed. She sat down on the couch and turned on the TV to VH1, where they were playing an episode of "Behind the Music". Ma-san walked to the bookshelf, grabbed a copy of "A Farewell to Arms" by Ernest Hemingway, sat on the couch, and started to read it. Lammy walked into the kitchen and helped her mom bring out the dishes.

From the living room, Katy said to Lammy, "You gotta see this episode! It's exciting! It's about Milli Vanilli!"

Lammy replied, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm helping my mom with the cooking. My godfather's coming over in a minute," and grabbed a turkey from the oven.

Katy kept on watching the episode until a noise was heard from the door. Lammy stopped what she was doing and walked to the door. She opened it and saw a 58-year-old male with black hair, a grey mustache, a green coat with a black undershirt, black slacks, and leather shoes. He held a drawing case and sketchpad in one hand while holding his suitcase in the other hand. He had a pair of glasses on that distorted the outside view of his eyes, making it look like they were fully grey lenses. He had a cigar in his mouth that he would occasionally pull out to exhale some smoke.

Lammy said to the man, "Hello, god-daddy! How's Arcata?" and hugged him.

Her godfather replied, "Jan and I are getting along, I'm drawing more, and for some odd reason, I'm writing a song every day on the piano."

Katy walked to the couple and said to them, "Hey! Who in the world are you?"

Lammy replied to Katy, "Katy, this is my godfather, Don. Don, this is my friend Katy."

Don stuck out his hand and said, "Pleasure to meet you, Katy. What Lammy said is true, but if you can keep a secret, my full name is Don Van Vliet."

Katy was slack-jawed. She didn't know Lammy's godfather was Captain Beefheart himself. She shook the hand and slowly reached in her satchel to find her "Clear Spot" LP.

Don knew what Katy was doing and said, "Do you happen to be a fan of my music? If so, I'm glad."

Katy scratched her head and replied, "I don't necessarily like your music, but I do love your paintings. I have a couple hanging around the house that my family bought in New York a couple of years ago."

Don winked at her and said back, "That's what I call a true fan of mine. Lammy is one. I knew her for many, many years, back to when she was…special, but I feel like we're just fans of each other. Lammy likes my art and my music and I like her bravado, her guitar prowess, and her memory. In fact, if Gail would stop bothering me, I would form my band together again with her if Zoot or Gary don't wanna join and we could tour clubs."

Katy replied, "Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Van Vliet…so, are you staying for dinner?"

He replied, "Yeah, I was hoping to. I even brought my wife over to meet the family after all these years."

Suddenly, Don's wife, a pretty woman of 47, walked through the door in a raincoat and boots, having a psychedelic gleam in her eye, and joined up with her husband. She had a walk that was gorgeous, glimmering brown hair, and the looks of Mrs. Robinson.

She said to Katy, "You met my husband, girl? Well, you shouldn't. Gail might be searching for you."

Katy replied, "Why is Gail Zappa, of all people, trying to hunt you down?"

Don said in a solemn voice, "I told her the wrong thing. I told her that I didn't want to release Bat Chain Puller until I felt like it, so she tried to shoot me. She couldn't succeed, but she told me to act like a man with multiple sclerosis until I died. If I didn't do that, she would burn every one of my masters. She would murder me. The only way to stop it was to release Bat Chain Puller, but I don't feel like it. I'll probably release it in a decade or so."

Katy sighed and walked away. Lammy stayed with the Van Vliets and showed them to their seats.

Don said to Lammy, "Thank you, Lammy. I should be giving you something now," and got out his sketchpad.

He flipped through several pages and found a picture that Lammy had wanted many months earlier. He ripped it out and gave it to her. She looked at it and formed a tear in her eye because it was so beautiful. It was she, drawn in her godfather's unique style.

She hugged Don and said to him, "Thank you for the picture, god-daddy!"

He replied, "You're welcome, Lammy," and sipped a bit of his Pepsi.

Lammy walked away from the dining room and went to her room, where she framed the picture and hung it on the wall. She got out her guitar and started to play it a bit until she was a bit tired of playing it.

Katy walked in and said, "Lammy, you hungry?"

Lammy replied, "Finally! I've been waiting all day!" and walked out of the room.

She ran to the kitchen, where she got a plate and put some turkey, taquitos, Cure 81 ham, sweet potatoes, and some leftover pizza on it. She grabbed a cup, poured some Pepsi into it, and walked to the table, where Jimmy, Mrs. Page, Jan, Donald, Katy, and Ma-san were eating. Lammy sat down next to Don and Katy and started to eat.

While the supper was underway, Don banged on his glass and said, "Hey, guys. I just want you all to know that I'm possibly going to go back into the music business soon, if Gail would be arrested for her actions. I know her son Dweezil and he knows me, so we're friends. He saw what his mom's doing to me and got some message from his dad, saying that Gail was his love. However, Dweezil didn't believe it…Gail and I may be making amends."

The family, Katy, and Ma-san clapped in excitement. Lammy banged on her glass.

She said, "I finally got into a band today, one owned by my friend Katy," and the family clapped.

Jan stood up and said, "I'm not much of a speaker, but the taquito is the best microwaveable Mexican food ever. It's like what if people from south of us suddenly realized, 'Crap. We need a microwaveable food,' so they got José Olé to make one. He was a good scientist, so he, in a matter of faith, Darwinism, and bravado, invented the taquito. The Mexicans cheered and that's why I love those things. Also, I would like to proclaim…"

Don interrupted, "Everybody knows you love me, Jan. I love you, too, but do I keep saying it?"

Jan replied, "Well, people buy your love albums to me."

Don scratched his head and continued eating. Lammy got up and cleaned her plate. She walked to her room and grabbed her guitar. She got a cord and plugged both ends into the amplifier and the guitar. She started to play some, until her mom came in.

Her mom, who was named Maria, said to her daughter, "Lammy, you joined a band? How did you? How'd you get a guitar?"

Lammy's brain had a short circuit and she started to laugh retarded. She fell asleep and her mom hugged her. She kissed her and left her to sleep. Soon, Katy and Ma-san had to leave to home. They saw the sleeping Lammy and left her alone.

The next morning, Lammy woke up, looking at the clock. It was 10 in the morning, perfect enough to arrive at band practice early. However, towering her was Katy.

She said to the cat, "Katy, why are you here so early?"

Katy replied, "Well, Lammy, don't you know that…" and got so steaming mad.

She continued, "_Band practice is in five minutes!"_

Lammy suddenly got up and put on her t-shirt, a clean pair of jeans, and her Birkenstocks. She grabbed her guitar and a few picks and ran out of her room to Katy's apartment. From there, her jaw dropped as she saw her friend Ma-san on drums, drumming a very good beat.

Katy said to Lammy, "How do you like Ol' Mar on the drums?"

Lammy replied, "What the crap? I didn't know she was a drummer! Katy, I don't think I can take this! You keep thinking I'm anticipating for everything, but I don't! I just get really freakin' shocked!" and tried to walk out the door.

Ma-san's fuse lit and she threw her drumsticks at Lammy's head, hitting it with such great force that the sticks broke and scratched the neck while she felt tremendous pain from the blow.

She yelped out, "OW!" and started to rub her little knobs coming out of her head.

Blood was dripping from the neck and Katy ran to Lammy so she could bandage it. She bandaged the wound and Lammy turned around.

She said, "I didn't know Ma-san was an impatient type of mouse! You didn't tell me!"

Katy laughed at Lammy rubbing her horns and said, "Lammy, you have autism? You're doing that to get rid of pain?"

Lammy stopped rubbing her horns and replied, "Maybe I should stop. I get so freakin' nervous when nobody tells me about anything or tries to keep it a secret. However, I don't go jumping up and down, flapping my hands, and throwing tantrums everywhere I go, making my dad regret his decision on not to buy a condom."

She walked to the preset Marshall amplifier and plugged her guitar in. She played a few chords and Katy joined in with a bass line that sounded like a pedal steel guitar. Ma-san got out her brushes and used them to drum the beat.

Lammy sang into the microphone:

_She's a devil in disguise._

_You can see it in her eyes._

_She's tellin' dirty lies._

_She's a devil in disguise, in disguise._

Katy took the verse:

_Now a woman like that all she does is hate you  
She doesn't know what makes a man a man  
She'll talk about the time that she's been with you  
She'll speak your name to everyone she can._

Lammy and Katy both sang on the refrain:

_She's a devil in disguise._

_You can see it in her eyes._

_She's tellin' dirty lies._

_She's a devil in disguise, in disguise._

Lammy started to play a guitar solo that sounded like no ordinary slide guitar solo. It was on a fuzzbox.

Lammy sang the verse:

_Unhappiness has been her close companion  
Her world is full of jealousy and doubt.  
It gets her off to see a person crying.  
Well, she's just the kind that you can do without._

Lammy and Katy took the refrain:

_She's a devil in disguise._

_You can see it in her eyes._

_She's tellin' dirty lies._

_She's a devil in disguise, in disguise._

Soon, the whole band went into an instrumental, with Lammy performing the same fuzzbox slide solo. Soon, they got back on track.

All members than sang (Ma-san did a few inaudible squeaks):

_Her number always turns up in your pocket.  
Whenever you are looking for a dime.  
Well, it's alright to call her but I'll bet you darlin'.  
The moon is full and you're just wasting time._

_She's a devil in disguise._

_You can see it in her eyes._

_She's tellin' dirty lies._

_She's a devil in disguise, in disguise._

Lammy ended the song by saying, "No more music!"

Katy clapped at the song and said to the lamb, "Lammy, how'd you know the music of Gram Parsons?"

Lammy replied, "I've been playing Captain Beefheart for years and years, but I do listen to other good albums, like the Gilded Palace album…do you have it?"

Katy replied, "Yeah, I do. We could become a country band."

Lammy scowled and said, "You said this was a rock band. Gram Parsons' bands were rock bands, forgot about that little bout of trivia?"

Katy sighed and put down her bass guitar. She got out a list of rules and showed them to Lammy. Lammy read them and didn't agree with a lot of them.

Lammy said to Katy, "Your rules are unfair? First, you're limiting the amount of clubs we can play at, thus limiting our money for a tour van, instruments, and food. Second, you claim to be in control. Even though you're the singer, all of us are in control in a way. Finally, you say that we're not doing original songs. Why? You're afraid you can't write lyrics! Well, that makes Ma-san and I the only songwriters in the band. You better make revisions to the band rules or else you'll need to hire a new melody section!" and flipped the bird at her.

Katy sighed and said, "I'll think it over later on."

* * *

END OF CHAPTER 1


	2. Katy and MaSan's Backstories

The Long Run: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions

**By**

Malkmusian

* * *

Chapter 2: Katy and Ma-san's Backstories

* * *

_**Katy Kat**_

* * *

A blue kitten, about a year old, was in her crib, looking at the mobile spin round and round like a record. She cooed when her mother came into the room.

Her mom said, "Katy, do you want din-din?"

Katy laughed giddily and her mom took her up. She took Katy to the kitchen and placed her in a high chair. She got out some chopped up peas and carrots and placed them on a plate. She took the plate to Katy, who used her fingers to pick up the vegetables and eat the food.

Her mom said, "Well, Katy, how is it that you're going to the doctor's tomorrow?"

Katy screamed in terror, as she didn't like going to the doctor.

She said in her typical babyish manner, "Mama, Doctor Dark no for Katy!" and started to cry heavily.

Katy's mom, who was called Michelle, picked up the scared kitten and gently rocked her to sleep. She took Katy back to her crib and let her sleep there until she heard a noise at the door. She walked to the door and saw her husband, drunk as usual and with a hooker on his leg.

She said to him, "John, what in the hell did you do last night?"

John replied, "Michelle, I was having fun and getting wasted! Do you have a damn problem with that?"

Michelle yelled back, "Damn you, John! You do that every night! You have sex with hookers and you drink Schlitz!! How awesome is that to me? Well, it isn't so damn awesome, you asshole!"

John slapped Michelle and said to her, "Please, woman! I didn't know she was on my leg! I get wasted because it's my kidneys! Have you lost your mind, woman?"

Michelle laughed and said to John, "John, I was just pulling your leg, but please get your sister off of your leg."

John shook his sister off of his leg and they both walked to bed, holding hands.

The next day, it was time for Katy to get a checkup. Both Michelle and John loved it, but Katy extremely despised it. She was afraid of the scary instruments, the atonal sounds, and the needles that the doctors poked into their patients so they could feel better. However, she tried to be calm, just playing with the toys in the waiting room, looking at other kids. She saw a yellow mouse and a redheaded lamb, about the same age as her.

She said to the lamb, "'Wo. What's your name?"

The lamb was silent and then she let out a screech. Her father, who was Jimmy Page, picked up the little lamb.

He said to young Katy, "You do not ever scare my daughter, ever! She's too angst-ridden for you," and cooed the little lamb to sleep.

Katy nodded her head and saw the lamb's eyes stare at her with such anger that Katy looked back at the lamb with disgust.

Suddenly, the PA system called, "Michelle and John Kat, please take Katy to room 8, please."

Michelle and John got their little daughter and took her to the room. In there, a brunette nurse that appeared to be in her 40s or 50s and dressed like an old-fashioned nurse from the '60s was waiting for Katy.

She said, "Hello, Katy. I'm your nurse Mildred. I'm here to check you out. First, stick out your tongue."

Katy stuck out her tongue and showed it to Nurse Mildred. She checked Katy for any problems and soon got out the needle for Katy's measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine. Katy screamed and tried to squirm away, but Mildred held Katy down and injected the vaccine into Katy. The young kitten started to cry and the nurse gave her a lollypop, sighing and remembering back to the days to when she used to work at a mental asylum, controlling her patients with such ease.

She said to John and Michelle, "Well, I got your daughter injected. Just be careful. I've heard some bad things about the MMR vaccine, but I dismiss those rumors. See you next checkup and I hope Katy doesn't scream…or else I will give her a lobotomy that she'll never forget."

John and Michelle took Katy and ran out of the doctor's office, thinking that the nurse had snapped.

Katy felt fine after getting the vaccine, but when her birthday came, she started to have night terrors about this Indian who wanted to put her in another world. She reluctantly agreed and in all of a sudden, she lost her speech and all of her normality. She started to throw a temper tantrum every day. She started to develop of what could be obsessive-compulsive disorder. She drank two bottles of apple juice per day! She had to do it or else she would think it was December 21, 2012, the Mayan Doomsday, so she'll start bawling for about an hour. Her parents found out something was wrong with her, so they sent her to Nurse Mildred, now called Ratched, over at the doctor's office on her 3rd birthday.

When Nurse Ratched took a look at Katy, she said to the kitten, "Can you speak any words?"

Katy spoke nothing, but let out a shriek of excitement. She drooled and wobbled over to the blocks. The young kitten started to organize them in such an order that Mildred started to write down everything Katy did. Finally, Katy was done doing her ritualistic things and sat down on the cot.

Nurse Ratched said to the kitten in a calm voice, "I'll check with your parents. They need to hear this," and left Katy all alone.

The nurse ran to the waiting room, where John and Michelle were, hoping that Katy was OK.

John spoke up, "Is our daughter OK?"

Ratched replied, "Well, no, Mr. Kat. I was observing your daughter and I found out she has autism, a very bad type, too. She seems to be in her own Communistic world full of rituals and order. If one point of disorder comes, she'll snap like that patient I think I loved. Boy, was he…"

John and Michelle groaned.

Ratched continued, "Oh, sorry. I used to be a nurse at a mental hospital until my love broke the thing that made me evil against the mentally disturbed: my vocal cords. Well, they healed, but I became a nurse over at the pediatric hospital, doing my lifelong dream: to be a pediatrician and to find out about Kanner's syndrome, aka autism. This is my second patient, my first being Jimmy Page's daughter. You've heard of Mr. Page and his accomplishments in rock and roll music?"

John nodded his head and lifted his t-shirt to show a Led Zeppelin tattoo on his chest.

He said, "I was raised on Led Zeppelin! That was my medicine back then in middle and high school! In order to be cool, you had to have I, II, III, and IV…on vinyl or 8-track! If you had the reels, you were considered a god because those reels had the best sound in history!"

Ratched nodded her head and gave Mr. and Mrs. Kat a sheet about autism, the symptoms, the types, and the treatments for all types.

She said to them, "I'll bring out little Katy for you," and ran back to her room, but when she opened the door, she was shocked.

Katy had gotten a pen from the cabinet and drawn a very detailed picture of Vladimir Lenin with the words, "LENIN MEAN TO THE SPEAKING PEOPLE. PLEASE SAVE ME FROM COMMUNISTIC WAYS. LOVE, KATY."

Ratched got out her Polaroid and took a picture of the vandalism by the autistic Katy. She picked up the kitten and ran to her parents.

John said to Katy, "Katy, why is the nurse mad?"

Katy spoke in a very slow and retarded-sounding, but otherwise fine, voice, "_Lenin made me do it! Soul patch Lenin! Soul patch Lenin!_"

Ratched said to John, "Katy wrote about what could be considered an autistic breakthrough, John. She had to write it on my walls. She knows what Vladimir Lenin and the Communists are. She wants to get out of her world. She thinks he put her in there."

John took Katy and scolded her for writing on the walls. The family left while Ratched kept the picture, studying it some more.

A few days later, at the Kat apartment, John was drinking a RC Cola and eating a Moon Pie when this report came on:

_"Hello, I'm Tom Brokaw and this is NBC Nightly News. Recently, in Rodneytown, CA, an autistic kid was suddenly cured when she played the album 'Trout Mask Replica', given to her by accident from former Led Zeppelin vocalist Robert Plant. We now go to Maria and James Page, who are at their apartment in Rodneytown. Tell us about this incident, Mr. Page."_

_"Well, Mr. Brokaw, I first noticed my daughter talking when she first heard this record, but what I don't understand is that why autism is hard to cure in a lot of people, but easy to cure in some, like my daughter," Jimmy Page explained._

"_What are your thoughts, Mrs. Page?" Tom then said to Maria._

_Maria replied with such elegance, "Well, Thomas, I knew my daughter didn't talk when she didn't succeed that milestone, but she was reading on a 12__th__ grade level. I tried to enroll her in the book club, but she was so fidgety and unfocused, she didn't meet the expectations for the club. Plus, they were all seniors in high school."_

_Tom sweated a little and asked Jimmy, "What is your daughter's name?"_

_Jimmy replied, "Well, her name is Lammy Michelle and we just took her to the doctor's office a few days ago. She was like any normal autistic: bratty, egocentric, silent, and pouty," and started to make out with Maria on national TV._

_Tom looked at the make out session and said to the couple, "We're on TV. Tipper Gore might call us Satanic if you do that. I know a bunch of families are watching us!"_

John turned off the TV, shocked at Lammy's story.

* * *

_Meanwhile, at a random house, two boys by the name of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer were watching NBC Nightly News at this time and saw Jimmy and Maria Page's make out session._

_Jason said to his friend, Aaron, "Hey, man. Why not we make movies like that?"_

Aaron replied, "That'd be swell, Jason, but I don't know if people will enjoy them. I do know that college students will see them."

_Jason walked out of the room and waited for some good movies to parody._

* * *

At the same time, at the Kat household, John ran up to Michelle, saying to his wife, "Michelle! I know how we can cure our daughter!"

Michelle replied, "How, John?"

John then said, "Why not we play some Captain Beefheart records?"

Michelle shook her head, saying to John, "I don't think it's gonna work, John."

John replied, "Wait 'til you see Katy acting like a normal person!"

About 3 years later, Katy was still autistic, but saw this girl in the hallways that looked somewhat like the lamb she met before she went crazy.

Katy got off the short bus and wobbled with her dad to her apartment, where her mom was looking at the records they had tried to cure Katy with, but failed nonetheless.

Michelle said to John, "John, I don't think these records are working. You must've been on alcohol 3 years ago."

John pulled out a record, which was "Lick My Decals Off, Baby", and said, "I bet we haven't tried the '70s yet!"

He put the record on and made Katy listen to it. She first was in her own world, but started to get into a seizure. John screamed and blew the sky off of the mountains. Michelle tried to calm the seizing Katy down, but Katy kept on having the seizure. Soon, Katy stopped and opened her eyes.

She said to her parents, "Mommy? Daddy? I think I'm cured…I THINK I'M CURED!" and danced around the room to the music.

John looked at Katy and said to the already scared Michelle, "I told you, Michelle, that she would be cured, but you were too skeptical! Now you owe me 20!"

Michelle sighed and paid her husband 20. He put it in his pocket and they both watched Katy play around and play the records. However, she would only play stuff from the '70s up 'til '86, the year it was set.

In 1991, Katy was in 5th grade, waiting for the year to end, when she decided to take a look inside her dad's closet. She found a never-been-touched custom blue bass with f-holes near the pickups. The adolescent kitten grabbed the bass and started to fool around with it, suddenly finding out she was playing a lot better than she thought she would.

John saw her playing with the bass and said, "Katy, what's with you? You like my bass guitar?"

Katy replied, "Yeah, I guess so, Dad. Anyways, why'd you get a bass guitar and never use it?"

John sighed and sat down next to his daughter, looking at what she was dressed in. He saw her sporting her hoodie, her bell-bottom pants, and her leather boots.

John said to Katy, "Katy, I used to be a musician and I had special-ordered that bass because Captain Beefheart wanted me to be in his new Magic Band in 1978. Well, the bass didn't come yet, so I played a few shows with the Magic Band until I saw your mom on the stage. I asked her if we could date and I left music far away. I somewhat regret that decision, as the bass came the day after we got married, and that I would be in the best Magic Band since 1969. You can have it now. I have no need for it."

Katy hugged her dad and said, "Thank you, Dad."

She ran up to her room and fooled around with the bass some more. Soon, she became more talented at it, even playing with a few cover bands, but she was way too dissatisfied with them, so she decided to make a band of her own. She called up one of her friends and let her join as the drummer. All they needed was a guitarist.

* * *

_**Ma-San**_

* * *

Mr. Ma was a good type of businessman. Ever since he migrated his whole family to America from Beijing in 1981, he wanted to go into the pharmaceutical business and earn a lot of money. However, in China, he could only choose between being the dictator or being put to death, so he and his family fled China on a Japanese tanker heading to Sacramento. For days, all the family saw was water, having been used to German hills and Chinese plains, but when they saw land, they cheered in excitement.

Mr. Ma said to his family in his native tongue, a little Germanic at best, "Okay, family. We're going to love it here and we're going to be prosperous! Isn't that right?"

All of the family, including little baby Ma-San, cheered in excitement for the American Dream.

Soon, after months of working at pharmacies as the cashier or the druggist, he got his license to start a pharmacy, so he looked around California and the entire West Coast to find a place that reminded him of home. Soon, he found another person's closed pharmacy/restaurant in Rodneytown, so he bought the place in full. The realtors were shocked.

When he moved his whole family into the new building, as it had two floors on the top, he said in English, "We're going to be prosperous, like many that have gone before us! Also, this will satisfy the gods and get us into Heaven."

Ma-san, who was still a baby, jumped out of her mother's arms and crawled to her daddy. She hugged his leg and cooed in love.

Mr. Ma knocked his daughter off of his leg and said, "Now isn't the time for 'I-love-Father' time, Ma-san! Why? I want you to work the counters when you grow older!"

Ma-san started to cry.

Well, years passed and as Ma-san grew older, she ran the counter a lot more. Suddenly, that was her only job: running the counter. However, she didn't start speaking gibberish until one day, when she was sleeping. She had gotten into her bed after a long day of school and running the counter over at the pharmacy.

Her mom came in and said, "Ma-san, good night. I know how tough it is on you since you're 13 and having a full-time job, but your dad wants to be prosperous."

Ma-san replied, "Thank you, Mom. Good night," and fell asleep.

* * *

_Suddenly, in her dreams, she saw these demons surrounding her, chanting the many contracts of Scientology. She screamed for help, but no one came. Finally, one demon walked to her in a Sea Org uniform and held a stick to the sky._

_The demon yelled in a satanic voice, "Oh, Lord L. Ron Hubbard, the creator of Scientology and the deficit that we all suffer through in 1993, please rid this disgraceful mouse of her normal speech and replace it with the ugliest girl's speaking voice in the world! Please, Lord Hubbard, make Xenu and Sea Org proud! Damn this girl to Schizophrenia Land! Make her take pills! Most importantly, get her out of the Scientologist Church!" and suddenly, a whirlwind took Ma-san up._

_Ma-san yelled out, "You are meanies, Sea Org, like my father!" but her voice changed to one similar to one Kyle Reagan's voice every syllable._

_All of the demons laughed at her and Ma-san started to shed tears._

* * *

The mouse woke up from the nightmare, her heart beating like crazy. Her dad was in the room with a belt and slapped her around with it.

He said, "Get up, Ma-san! This is now a 24-hour organization! You're to operate this counter all day, even if you skip school!"

Ma-san spoke, "I don't care!" not knowing that her voice had really changed to Kyle Reagan's.

Mr. Ma laughed at the voice and yelled to Ma-san, "I remember that your voice was sexy! Now, you have the world's ugliest voice! Now go to that damn counter and work your frickin' ass off so I can live the American Dream!"

Ma-san bawled and yelled back, "_Dad, I hate you forever! You never cared for me! All you cared about was to get that frickin' American Dream! Damn, you are what I think you are: a Grade A meanie!_"

She tried to move, but Mr. Ma held her down and started to whip her with the belt. He had whipped her so hard, her skin was torn and blood gushed out of the back. Her clothing, if the belt had touched it, was torn.

Finally, after he had abused his daughter, he said, "Now go run that stupid counter or else you won't see the light of day!"

Ma-san slipped on her flip-flop sandals and ran to the shop, where she sat at the counter, waiting for people to show up. She saw no one. Finally, she broke down, crying, and saw a trio of girls that had instruments strapped around them enter the shop.

One of them said to Ma-san in her New Hampshire accent, "Hello, girl. Do you have any paper? I have some songs I need to write. We're not that good of a band, but we're trying to so hard."

Ma-san replied, "No. I don't know where there's any paper. Ever since Scientologists changed my voice and my dad would just whip me because he obviously doesn't care, I don't think I can carry on my life anymore."

The girl replied, "I can see your perspective. Our dad's making us play at the town center every Friday night, but we don't want to. Unlike you, we're dirt poor. Oh, and by the way, my name's Dot."

The fat girl with the snare drum strapped onto her added, "I'm Helen!"

The other guitarist added also, "I'm Betty. Our sister, Rachel, she's already in a band and making us money, but she has school. We're homeschooled. However, about the music, our hometown loves us. They want us to make an album. They probably heard of that Don Vliet guy or whatever, but we're making one tomorrow in Revere, MA. Some guy signed us to a record label, but he seemed shady."

Ma-san then said, "I would like to go into music just to get away from my father and his totalitarian ways. Can you teach me an instrument?"

None of the girls offered, but soon, Helen spoke up and said, "I'll teach you everything I know about the drums."

Ma-san walked away from the counter and walked to Helen, who was drumming a rudimentary 4/4 drumbeat. She grabbed a pair of chopsticks from a basket and sat next to Helen. She put one foot on the bass pedal and the other on the hi-hat pedal. She started to drum with help from Helen. Suddenly, Mr. Ma came in and screamed.

He said to Ma-san, "I told you to run the counters, not get lessons from the worst band in history! Now go back to the counters! You can't attend school! Ever!"

Ma-san flipped the bird and started to speak gibberish, due to her insanity rising up. In reality, Ma-san wasn't learning drums from Helen Wiggin and the Shaggs. She saw a drum set and started to play very expertly on it. Her father saw this as disobedience and started to whip her. Ma-san dragged the drum set and ran out of the house, never to return for a while.

* * *

_**Reality**_

* * *

While all of those thoughts had ran through the girls' minds, they had compared themselves to Lammy, who was the miracle child of 1983.

Katy walked over to Lammy and said to her, "Okay. I'll try to make those changes for you, for me, for Ma-san, for MilkCan. Alright?"

Lammy nodded her head and shook hands with Katy. Suddenly, an alarm blared out.

Lammy said to Katy, "What's the alarm for?"

Katy replied, "It's for all of us to indicate when practice is over for the day," and put her bass guitar in her case.

Lammy put her guitar in her case, picked the case up, and walked back to her apartment. When she got in, she saw Don and Jimmy smoking cigars.

She said to Donald, "Hey, Mr. Van Vliet, why are you still here? Do you have to care for Janet?"

Don replied, "Not really. She's fine while I'm away, but I'm not really. I hear that you're in a band. How's it?"

Lammy then said, "It was awesome."

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED…


	3. The Song and the Demo

The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions

**By**

Malkmusian

* * *

Chapter 3: Their First Original Song

* * *

Well, after that fateful rehearsal, Lammy just went to bed. She didn't care if she had a nightmare from watching TV or eating too much pizza. She just wanted some sleep. Of course, her love for Captain Beefheart seeped into her dreams, so instead of dreaming about frolicking in meadows while eating the grass, she dreamed about having a romantic night with the Captain.

* * *

_Lammy landed outside the Trout Mask House in Los Angeles, CA, where many cars were. Some had rust of them, as they hadn't been taken care of, or used, in this case, in 6 months. She didn't care. She walked up the driveway to the Trout Mask House and opened the front door to see Frank Zappa getting dressed into a penguin suit to promote "Lumpy Gravy"._

_She said to the rocker, "How in the hell is this house designed? It's like I opened the front door and I just saw you nude!"_

_Frank replied, "Go to the back porch. That's where the band's entrance is, Miss Page."_

_Lammy shut the door and ran to the back porch, where she heard some tweeting things. She opened the door to see the Magic Band, complete with schizophrenic Don Van Vliet on saxophone and cousin Victor "The Mascara Snake" Hayden on other horns. The band was playing until William "Zoot Horn Rollo" Harkleroad sighted the lamb._

_He said to the band members, "Guys, she's here. Let's present her to the Captain," and they all bowed down on the count of three._

_The Captain still stood, saying, "I'm not starving you that much," and proceeded to see Lammy._

_He said to the lamb, "Hey, Lammy. Yer lookin' pretty damn hot for a lamb. How come that jazz cat Rodney Greenblat drew you like this? Was it because of his various wet dreams?"_

_Lammy replied in a confused way, "Okay, Mr. Beefheart. By the way, who's Greenblat? And why did he design me as one of his sexual desires?"_

_The Captain sighed and said, "Nevermind about that. Come to my car, where we'll have a fun time in the town."_

_Lammy and the Captain ran to the car while the band followed._

_Jonathan "Drumbo" French, tried of running everywhere, said to William, "Dude, why are we following them?"_

_William, in his bravado, replied, "Do you wanna have to be in Frank Zappa's Mothers with that mentally retarded Ian Underwood and that ugly Jimmy Carl Black?"_

_John replied, 'No, Zoot," and proceeded to followed the band to Captain and Lammy's position._

_Well, the Captain and Lammy went on a date all around Los Angeles, going to the many nightclubs and seeing the then-village Rodneytown while the Magic Band played a "poorly-put-together" love song in the background. Soon, it was time to leave to the Trout Mask House._

_The Captain hugged Lammy and said, "Well, it was fun with you, Lammy. Wanna kiss?"_

_Lammy said, "Sure," and went closer to the Captain._

_The introduction to the kiss was too long and stretched out that Zoot said to them, "Kiss already!"_

_The Captain and Lammy proceeded to kiss romantically, but then Lammy woke up._

* * *

Lammy sighed in happiness when she woke up and said, "I feel so good."

She put on some clean clothes, which consisted of the "Lick My Decals Off, Baby" cover on a t-shirt, tattered blue jeans, and Birkenstock sandals. Lammy strapped her watch on her left wrist and grabbed her other guitar, a 1969 Gibson Les Paul with custom pick-ups, a whammy bar, and a lime-green strap. She had restrung the guitar for a southpaw, so she didn't have to restring it constantly for people wanting to play it. It was her guitar.

She put the guitar in her guitar bag and placed the bag on her back. She walked out of her room and ran to the kitchen. She saw a note on the counter, which said:

* * *

_Dear Lammy,_

_I'm out with Don to get some groceries and more art supplies. If you need to go to band practice, please write it down because I'll be confused. Mom's at work over at A&M Records and she might lose her job in a few years because she's hearing of rumors of A&M being bought out by potential buyers, allowing Herb and Jerry to retire in peace and race horses._

_Love,_

_Daddy._

* * *

Lammy wrote down on the paper, "Dad, I'm out to band practice. I'll be back soon. Love, Lammy," and ran out the door to Katy's apartment, hoping the band would be there.

Well, they weren't. Lammy hadn't known at the time, but Katy called off band practice because over the night, she developed an extremely bad cold, one so bad that she was on the verge of death. Ma-San got the call over at the pharmacy, as she always does, but Lammy was on her way to Katy's when the phone rang. She was happy that she was going to band practice on time and she knocked on the door.

A voice on the other side, a little crackly and nasally sometimes, said, "Who is it?"

Lammy replied, "It's Lammy. Can you open the door? I need to see Katy," and the door opened to reveal the speaker as Katy.

The cat was very ill, still in her bedclothes and robe, holding a box of tissues and taking one out to sneeze every ten seconds. She was shivering, despite the temperature of the room being at 75 degrees Fahrenheit.

Katy said to Lammy, "I called off band practice today. I'm just too ill to have it right now. However, you can come in. I was just watching 'Saturday Night Fever' on my VHS player," and the lamb walked in.

Lammy slipped off her sandals and walked with Katy to the living room, where John Kat was on the couch, watching the aforementioned film.

He said to Lammy, "I hear from Katy that you're one of her friends and that you're big on Captain Beefheart, eh?"

Lammy replied, "Yeah, I guess so."

John replied, "I was going to be his Shiny Beast-era bassist, but I married my wife, so that's the end of my music career."

Lammy added, "But don't forget Damo Suzuki of Can, who quit music in '74 because of the Krautrock band's popularity but entered music in '84 after 10 years of being miserable. Boy, Can got worse after his departure."

John said, "But I'm not as proficient as Damo or any Can member, even though Katy loves Ege Bamyasi a lot. However, you forgot about Malcom Mooney," and Lammy slapped her forehead.

Katy blushed, but sneezed. The girls sat on the couch and started to see the film, right at the part of John Travolta styling his hair. The girls continued to see this film and got to the part where it ended. John had left the room and the girls were all by themselves.

Katy sneezed and said to Lammy, "Well, about original songs, have you ever written any songs by any chance?"

Lammy replied, "I do, sometimes, but they're not that great. Do you?"

Katy sighed and said, "I only wrote one, but I thought it was terrible."

Katy pulled out a piece of notebook paper with some stream-of-consciousness lyrics. Lammy looked at them and pulled out a piece of paper with coherent lyrics on it. She handed it to Katy, who looked at both lyrics.

After a few minutes of looking over them, Katy said to Lammy, "Hey, Lammy. Your verses are good, but I tend to write better refrains. You wanna combine?"

Lammy agreed and they wrote down the compromises. Soon, there was a good song, but there was no title for it, as their titles sucked. Lammy's was "Millennium Girl", while Katy's was "Got to Move With the Groove".

Lammy suggested, "Why not we combine the titles? You made the idea, so your title 'Got to Move' is the main one, but I made the verses, so I get second billing. What about 'Millennium Girl' in parentheses?"

Katy nodded her head and she wrote down the new title, "Got To Move (Millennium Girl)" on the top of the paper.

Lammy got out her guitar and fiddled with a few chords, along with some individual notes. She was just fiddling around until she performed a chord change that was very good to Katy. They wrote that down as one part of the verse. Many other chord changes came later, as Lammy was still fiddling around with the guitar.

* * *

The next day, Lammy woke up and tried to get ready for school, but she felt cold, despite the temperature being at a warm-and-comfortable 76 degrees Fahrenheit. She got dressed into a red long-sleeved shirt with the white flower on the front, some camouflage pants, and her blue shoes, but she kept shivering. She even turned off her fan, but she felt cold. She walked out of her room and went to the kitchen. In there, she smelt her mom cooking some eggs, her favorite breakfast food. Suddenly, the smell of food made poor Lammy sick, so she ran to the nearest trash can and threw up.

Maria said to her daughter, "Lam-Lam, what's wrong?"

Lammy replied, feeling woozy and dizzy, "I don't feel so good. I must've gotten Katy's flu. Excuse me while I head to bed," and walked back to her room.

Maria said to Lammy as the young lamb was heading to her room, "Lammy, you're not sick! You're just faking it so you won't be confronted by the student body again, eh?"

Lammy yelled, "I am sick, Mom. Please let me rest!" and shut her door.

From there, she took off her clothes and her footwear and hopped into her bed. She started to sleep, but it was very uncomfortable for the lamb to stay in one position. She felt very sick in her stomach.

Finally, Maria came in and said, "I keep telling you, 'You're fine!' but you say, 'Mom, I'm not! I want rest!' Maybe you're too grumpy, eh?"

Jimmy heard all of this and barged in, seeing his obviously-not-very-well daughter being forced into her clothes by her mother.

He said to his wife, "Maria! Stop this! Can't you see Lammy's not feeling so well? Let her rest and we can call her friends and the school to tell them that Lammy's out with the flu," and they started to hug.

Lammy stuck out her tongue and undressed into her pajamas. She climbed into her bed and fell asleep while Jimmy got Lammy's cordless phone and called the school.

On the other line was the principal.

He said to Mr. Page, "Lammy, what's your problem now?"

Jimmy replied, "Well, can you tell Katy Kat and this Ma-san that Lammy's out with a cold?"

The principal then said to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but John Kat, that's Katy's dad, and Mr. Flür, or Ma-San's dad, told me that their daughters were down with the flu."

Jimmy hung up the phone and left the room.

As Lammy slept, she kept on having a very complex version of the dream she had the night before, but this time, she could listen into more of Zoot Horn Rollo's and John French's conversation.

* * *

_This time, Zoot said after John's statement about the mental state of the Mothers of Invention, "I'll still be in the Magic Band, but I hear that Frank really gets y'out there."_

_John retorted, "Frank is a conformist, Billy. He is only weird when he feels like it. Have you listened to most of Freak Out?"_

_Zoot thought about that for a moment and said, "Well, not really. I listened to Who Are the Brain Police and the Return of the Son recently, but as for the others, not really. I did get a glimmer of 'I Ain't Got No Heart' one time."_

_Suddenly, Mark Boston ran over to them and interrupted, "Hey, guys. You talking about job opportunities in Zappa's band? Well, Beefy says, 'Fck no!' to that. As for Freak Out, I got through listening to it. Frenchy, you're right."_

_Rockette got out his wallet and gave Drumbo a new 20 from the bank._

_He said, "Use it good, man. Don't let the Captain see it!"_

_Soon, Captain Beefheart ran to them and said, "See what? Your dirty money? Please, man! I have my own money! I earn it from painting shit! Stuff I don't know about! My cat! I don't have a cat, but I see one!"_

_He took Drumbo's 20 bill and put it in his coatpocket, saying, "That'll help for the dinner between me and the lamb, but pay for your own at the In-N-Out."_

_Zoot was pissed at this and yelled, "Donald! Why do you keep doing this to us? We're starving to death! We're following your plan! I tried to write a awesome-and-atonal-sounding riff for your new album, but you hated it, saying that 'Posers in red baseball caps and their drag-queen guitarist with the last name Borland shall record that riff about sex'. I don't care if Mr. Christgau hates us, but I care because your albums aren't selling diddily wad!"_

_The Captain sighed and slapped the poor guitarist._

* * *

After the same dream played itself, Lammy woke up at 1 in the afternoon, her head feeling worse than before. She was delirious, with a stack of homework next to her, and kept seeing dancing girls and candidates for Prime Minister of Britain. Lammy was confused, having never listened to any Chumbawamba album. In fact, at this time, she or nobody in America had heard of the anarcho-punk-rockers, except for Universal Records, then called Rising Tide.

Lammy got up and said to herself, "I feel so sick."

She walked out of her room and walked to the kitchen, her hands on her extremely upset stomach. She opened the fridge and saw some leftover pizza from the night before. She got a piece and placed it on a plate. Lammy bit into the pizza and suddenly was about to get physically sick into the sink. She, being smart, ran to a trashcan and threw up in it.

Her mom saw this and said, "Lammy! Why'd you try to eat on your upset stomach? Why don't you watch some TV?"

Lammy replied, her mouth dripping with vomit, "Well, my brain thought I saw hungry. Do you have any Pepto Bismol and some wafer crackers?"

Maria thought about this for a while and replied, "I think I do. I'll go check."

Her mom left to the kitchen, where she found wafer crackers and Pepto Bismol. She got out some portions of crackers and a serving of Pepto and took them to Lammy, who was lying down on the couch, her mouth and her eyes open.

Maria put down the "medicine" and ran to Lammy, saying, "Are you dead?"

Lammy replied, "I think I see the light," and Maria put in the Pepto Bismol serving in Lammy's mouth.

Suddenly, the lamb's stomach felt better and she grabbed a cracker. She ate it and Maria left her alone on the couch, watching VHS tapes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 from the Comedy Central days.

After Lammy had watched the Manos episode about 3 times, laughing at each one of the riffs that Joel and the Bots made, she turned off the VHS and got up to walk over to the Sega Genesis, connected with Sega 32X, Sega CD, and a good connection to the Sega Channel. She grabbed a copy of Night Trap 32X and plugged in her controller. She switched onto the Sega Channel and got onto chat, as they had incorporated a chat feature in Night Trap 32X for Sega Channel users. From there, she saw two people on the chat box. Their names were BlueDiscoQueen and TehThoreauRoxMySox, both nom de plumes for Katy Kat and Ma-San.

* * *

**7:00 am. Ma-San's house, downtown Rodneytown, CA. The yellow mouse woke up to the sound of "Hallogallo (Hallmark)" by Neu! She got up from her bed and walked into her closet, coming out in a red dress and red shoes.**

Her dad walked in and said, "Ma-San, come on! Get ready for school!"

Ma-San squeaked, "(Well, Dad, I would, but my head hurts.)"

Her dad sighed and yelled, "_Krautrock, Krautrock, Krautrock, Krautrock, Krautrock! Get a life and speak like a regular girl!" _obviously making fun of Ma-San's way of speaking.

The yellow mouse suddenly cried, flipped the bird, and yelled, "(You don't care!)"

She ran downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed her bookbag. Suddenly, she smelled the air, upsetting her stomach to an extent that she got physically sick into the trashcan.

Her mom said to her, "Ma-San, was mache ich falsch?"

Ma-San replied, "(My stomach hurts like hell.)"

Her mom got out some Pepto and said, "Trinken und dann gehe wieder ins bett."

Ma-San drank the medicine and walked back upstairs to bed, giving the finger to her dad on the way up.

He yelled, "Ma-San, stop that! I am not evil!"

The mouse closed the door to her room and locked it, allowing nobody to enter. She removed her dress and then removed her shoes. She got into the bed and fell asleep. Suddenly, she screamed.

* * *

_Ma-San was in a hair salon, getting her hair done until she suddenly saw Klaus Dinger, Damo Suzuki, and Ralf Hütter coming near her with knives._

_Ralf said to the mouse, "Get away from us! We're evil!"_

_Ma-San tried to say something, but all she could do was squeak. The German musicians laughed and proceeded to cut her open with the knives._

_It was painful for Ma-San, who then woke up._

* * *

It was 6 in the afternoon over at the house. Ma-San woke up from the nightmare that was worsened by Krautrock and she unlocked her door. She went downstairs and walked to the kitchen, where she saw the refrigerator. She opened it and got out a leftover bowl of mushrooms. The mouse ate a bite of one and she threw up into the trashcan.

Her mom, coming home from the Albertsons-Savon in Glendale, saw her daughter throw up into the trashcan and said to her, "Ma-San, why'd Sie versuchen zu Essen an einem Magen krank?"

Ma-San replied, "(Mom, I felt like I was hungry, but I think I'm still sick,)" and walked back upstairs.

She closed the door to her room and turned on her Sega Genesis. It was smoking, seeing as her dad kept forgetting to take it to the Babbage's to get it fixed, but she put in her Night Trap 32X CD and switched to chat mode. She saw that two people, AltonClause28 and BlueDiscoQueen, were on there, meaning that Lammy and Katy had logged on at the same time.

* * *

**Katy Kat's apartment, 7:30 am, Tuesday, November 8, 1996. The blue cat woke up to her alarm, but was still feeling ill from the day before. However, she was happy that yesterday, she co-wrote a song with Lammy, letting them score their first original song. The problem was that they didn't have enough original songs to start up gigs except for being a transitional cover band, but only professionals, like Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones, could do that.**

Katy said to herself, "If I could get enough talent, maybe I could write some of the songs and not Lammy. Boy, that'll make me so happy," and saw her dad come in.

John said to her, "Katy, are you still ill? Let me check to see if you do," and put a thermometer in her mouth to do what he did.

It beeped, indicating that Katy had a high fever.

He said, "You should stay home, Katy," and left the room, locking the door.

Katy was all alone.

She thought, "I am just a hero, riding through the night…why am I thinking Neu at a time like this?" and fell asleep.

* * *

_Due to the graphic nature of this dream, Katy's dream has and always will be removed from this fanfiction due to the American apple-pie institution known as Parental Discretion. In summary, she dispatched Lammy by impaling her guitar through her head and becoming the face of the band. She lit Ma-San's fuse, making the mouse explode into pieces ala Mick Shrimpton. Katy was at peace, but then she transformed into Oscar Wilde. The cat woke up…_

* * *

Katy woke up from her dream, breathing heavily. She looked at her clock. It was 6 in the afternoon and she felt dramatically better. Her headache, stomachache, fever, and other flu-like symptoms were gone.

She got up from her bed and said to herself, "I feel drastically better. Let me try to contact Ma-San and Lammy."

Katy changed into a white t-shirt, beige shorts, and bare feet and walked to the living room, where her parents saw her feeling better.

John said, "Did you do your homework that they sent you?"

Katy replied, "Dad, you know I did," and gave him a stack of homework to be sent to her teachers.

She walked back to her room, where she switched on her Sega Genesis and turned on Night Trap 32X. She got onto chat mode and logged on as BlueDiscoQueen. On the board were AltonClause28 and TehThoreauRoxMySox.

She typed in, "Hey, Lammy! Ma-San! How's it been?"

Lammy typed back, "I feel miserable, Katy. I can't eat any damn thing or else I barf! It's like…you get the point."

Ma-San typed back, "Terrible, Katy, I feel so terrible."

Katy typed in, "Sorry to hear that. I'm better. If you could, try to gain enough energy and we can hold practice tomorrow, but my brother's holding a party here. What should we do tonight?"

Lammy typed back, "I'd go bowling, but the smell of food gets me so nauseated."

Ma-San typed back, "Please, for the love of Mary, I want to sleep! I can't stop playing this game! I keep trapping Augers, but all I want to do is chat and listen to Faust!"

Katy walked to her mini-fridge and got out an OK Soda. She opened it and drank it. Two messages popped up on the screen.

Lammy's message said, "Suddenly, I think I feel better. My mom just brought in pizza and I smell it, but I'm not getting nauseated like I did earlier this morning."

Ma-San's message said, "ZZZ…" as the mouse was sleeping.

Katy typed to Lammy, "Lammy, can you meet me at the Glendale AMC? Instead of bowling, we're going to see a movie…of your choice. I hope Ma-San's listening."

Ma-San's message was still, "ZZZ…"

Lammy typed back, "I'd like to see Kids In The Hall: Brain Candy. I can't believe that movie's still on and I still haven't dare to see it. Also, if I could, I would like to see Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie."

Katy then typed, "Well, I think those are on right now. Let me check," and turned off the Sega.

She got out the phone and dialed the Moviefone number.

Suddenly, the distinctive voice said, "Thank you for calling Moviefone. What is your local theater?"

Katy replied, "Glendale AMC Zappa 200, sir."

The voice replied, "For tonight, we're showing Kazaam starring Sinbad…" and it went on, naming the films that Lammy said that she would like to see.

Katy hung up and slipped on her flip-flops. She grabbed her purse and ran over to Lammy's apartment, where she saw the lamb in a black t-shirt with a broken heart, a new pair of navy blue jeans, and her blue shoes.

She said to the lamb, "Wanna watch a film?"

Lammy replied, "I guess so," and the duo went into Katy's car, a 1979 AMC Gremlin.

They drove off to Ma-San's place, where they waited for a few minutes and then drove off, seeing as how Ma-San was asleep and did not want to be annoyed.

* * *

The next day, everybody felt better in a way, especially Ma-San, who missed an opportunity to watch some pretty good comedy films, so they tried to hold practice. Lammy, who was on the couch watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on the VHS, heard the phone ring. She picked it up finding out it was Katy.

Lammy said, "Hey, Katy. Where are we going to practice tonight?"

Katy replied, "Why not your house? I'll tell Ma-San about this. You get this ready. Alright? Bye," and hung up.

Lammy put down the phone and ran to her room, suddenly rearranging the whole room to transform it into an ideal practice space for the band. After a few minutes, Lammy was done and fell down on her bed. She slipped off her shoes and the band came in all of a sudden…with all of their equipment.

Lammy said to Katy, "I wish we held this at Ma-San's house. I bet it is a lot more roomier than my place."

Katy replied, "Lammy, Ma-San lives at the pharmacy, or at least on the top floors of it. There is no way that her cruel dad would let us practice there unless if we perform Can songs. And those are tough ones to do!"

Lammy scratched her head and plugged in her amplifier. She got out her 1968 Fender Stratocaster, with custom pickups and a built-in wah-wah pedal, and plugged it in. She tuned it and played a few power chords while Katy watched. The cat got out her trademark Gretsch bass and tuned it to standard tuning aka E-A-D-G. She plugged it into her Peavey amplifier and upped the distortion on it. Ma-San, however, already tuned her drum kit and was already playing Gene Krupa standards like a natural. However, there was a Stratocaster next to the bass drum and it obviously wasn't Lammy's, as it was stringed for a right-handed person and it didn't have all of the features that Lammy would put into her guitars. Katy was awfully horrible at the guitar, so she was out of the question.

Lammy took one look at the Strat lying next to the bass drum and said, "Who's Stratocaster is that?"

Katy looked at it and said, "I think it's somebody else's, because Ma-San is not good at anything but the drums."

The mouse heard what the girls had said, so she got up from her drum throne and picked up the guitar. She sat on Lammy's bed and started to play a perfect guitar variation of "Europe Endless" by Kraftwerk. Lammy and Katy watched, unsatisfied.

After that, Ma-San said, "(So, how do you like me on the guitar?)"

Lammy replied, "From now on, you don't play horrible or else you're fired," not knowing that Ma-San was insulted by this.

Katy whispered to Lammy, observing Ma-San's verge into a temper tantrum, "Lammy, I don't think you should've said that."

Lammy whispered back, "Why? It wasn't original and it was too polyrhythmic. I don't like converted techno music."

Ma-San started to cry, thanks to Lammy's insult, and her fuse lit up. Suddenly, the mouse exploded like a fireball, sending the girls and their equipment back. However, Ma-San came out unharmed along with her unnaturally strong drum set, but the bed was charred.

Lammy yelled to Ma-San, "_Hey, Ma-San! Why in the fuck did you-_" and Katy put her palm over Lammy's profane mouth.

Katy said to Lammy, "That's why Ma-San is the drummer. She won't take you to fire her, but she'll fire herself. You're gonna need a new bed, though," leaving the lamb to witness her bed catch on fire.

Lammy watched her bed roast there, developing tears in her eyes, until the sprinkler system put the fire out. The bed was just ashes. However, the lamb didn't care. All she wanted to do was to record their first demo.

Katy came back with a pitcher of water and saw that the bed was ash, so she poured the water on Lammy's head and said, "What should we do?"

Lammy replied, "Why not we cut our first demo?"

Katy said, "That's a good idea," and got out Lammy's tape deck recorder from the undamaged nightstand.

The cat got out a tape from one of the drawers and she put it in the recorder. She placed the recorder in front of the band, about 7 feet away from them at least, and waited for Ma-San to come back all nice and clean. Well, Ma-San did come back nice and clean, but it was a little later than usual.

Katy said to Ma-San, "Why'd you come late?"

Ma-San squeaked, "(Well, I had to shower up because I don't want to look charred before I record a demo,)" and off they recorded.

Most of the songs on the demos were cover versions of Pink Floyd, Aerosmith, Frank Zappa, Eagles, Alice in Chains, and Captain Beefheart, but their only original song was the final track, but they had to tell Ma-San the rhythm and the meter of the song, which was 4/4 time. After that, they just played the song as it is and stopped the recording.

After they had turned off the recorder, Lammy put up her guitar and said, "Hey, Katy. Why don't we play back the original song?"

Katy reluctantly replied, "Okay, Lammy. Let's play it back and see how we like it," and took out the cassette from the recorder.

She placed it in Lammy's stereo and pressed play on it, but rewinding it to the beginning of the song. Katy mashed the play button and out came a very good-sounding song in glorious mono. Lammy listened and smiled, as she loved every millisecond of it. Ma-San put down her Rolling Stone magazine and listened to the song. After the song came and went, Katy turned off the stereo and ejected the cassette.

Lammy said to Katy, "How'd you like it?"

Katy replied, "Well, it wasn't bad and it wasn't good. It was awesome, despite your thoughts on, 'Maybe, we should rerecord it again and again!' I think you are a perfect songwriter in your own way and you are a good guitar-playing lamb, but that song doesn't need any improvements. We should copy that and send it to all our friends and maybe start playing some shows."

Lammy jumped for joy and let out a squeal of ecstasy.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. The Touring Really Begins

The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions

**By**

Malkmusian

* * *

Chapter 4: I'm the NBC Peacock (Having Fun With Elvis On Stage) or Metal Machine Music (Lou Reed)

* * *

Lammy was in her bed, wondering, "How can we get booked to a concert? Oh, I haven't tried yet."

She fell asleep, her lights still on, but then she woke up with a jolt and said to herself, "I know! Maybe I should get booked the old fashioned way!"

She got the demo tape, made a few copies, and sent it to a few clubs that MilkCan had wanted to perform at but were denied the rights to. Lammy thought the demo tape would change their mind. Well, she was right. Every club called Lammy the next day, confirming the bookings of their performances, making the poor lamb confused as she had put down on a piece of paper to tell them that they should call Katy. Well, Lammy wrote down the schedule and she ran over to Katy's house, where the cat was fixing dinner for a change.

Lammy said to Katy, "I got a schedule for our band's performances!"

Katy replied, "You booked us? How'd you do that?"

Lammy said happily, "I sent the demo tape," leaving Katy in serious shock.

Katy stood there for a minute and then yelled, "That was meant for us!"

The cat calmed down and continued, "When are the dates?"

Lammy replied, "Well, concerts are on Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday and start at 7 pm. Today is Friday, I think, and it's 6:30."

Katy stopped cooked and screamed, "Why didn't you book us earlier? I'm glad you got us concerts, but why'd you have to book us this late? We gotta go there now!"

* * *

At 6:40 pm, MilkCan, in full appearance, were in the office of one Spike Witwicky, a manager over at the Rodneytown Pizza House. Spike was looking at them, seeing if he could find any person who could do the saxophone solos of Captain Beefheart. He failed and kept on staring at Lammy's chest.

Lammy said, "Will you stop looking at my chest?" and Spike acknowledged.

Spike said to the band, "Hey, girls. I see that you're a trio and you're a beginning but freakin' awesome band in the studio, but I see you have no fourth member to perform Don Van Vliet's saxophone solos, as depicted in full print on the sheet music you have. It is required to have a saxophone. Also, tonight's Beefheart Night and people want to hear mainly material from his creative periods, not from his commercial periods, except for that baked beans song he made on that one album. What was it again?"

Lammy groaned, as she had to deal with a guy that was promoting a Beefheart Night but didn't know the albums.

She said, teeth gritted, "It's 'Clear Spot', you piece of fuckin' numbnuts, and the song is not about baked beans. It's about science fiction, damn it!" and hit her head on the wall.

Spike saw this and said to the band, "Well, tell me if you find a saxophonist, alright? If you don't, the gig's off and John French's band is coming on to take your place."

Katy trembled in speech and stuttered, "S-s-s-sure, Mr. W-w-w-witwicky."

Spike said to Katy, "It's Spike," and the band walked into the restaurant, which was styled like a Pizza Hut, complete with brick walls and a buffet/salad bar on the side while most people were enjoying their pizzas and soda.

Katy said to Lammy, who was distraught over the situation, "Do you know anybody who can play these ridiculously complicated saxophone parts?"

Lammy replied, "I think I know the man," and ran to a phone booth, where she dialed a random number.

On the other side, a man answered, "Hello? Lammy? Are you at the concert?"

Lammy replied, "Donny, I need you to play the saxophone for our first gig. You don't have to do it any other time, but just this once. Why? We'll be canceled from every booked gig we have!"

The man thought for a moment and miraculously said, "I'd love to play the saxophone to my songs again."

* * *

At 7:00 pm, the room dimmed and Spike Witwicky came out in a tuxedo, holding a cordless microphone.

He said to the audience of Beefheart and Zappa fans, "The time you've all been waiting for, the heroes of the night, the band behind me, of course. I shall close this evening with a band that has been getting word of mouth recognition from one demo tape they have made. What's weird is that they haven't done a single concert in their 2-month existence. Most importantly, they're all talented and demented. Please welcome onto the stage…_MilkCan!"_ and the band was shown thanks to the spotlights, but with one notable addition: Don Van Vliet on saxophone.

The audience went even wilder and Don said, "Thank you, eager fans of my music and my friend, Frank's. I really didn't like what Frank did to me. He was so funny, but he couldn't take a joke picture I drew of him. Everybody in the band and in the audience over at the Cow Palace thought it was funny, but then Frank came along and disagreed. That's why Bat Chain Puller isn't here. Sorry for the preachy introduction, here's-"

Katy interrupted, "Thanks for that 'lovely' introduction, Mr. Van Vliet. Now, here's some songs we learned to play during these two months we've been together," and started to play the bass line for "Bellerin' Plain".

Lammy joined in on guitar and soon, Ma-San joined in on drums and percussion, especially the marimba parts on some songs. Katy and Lammy handled the vocals, as Don's voice wasn't powerful enough and Ma-San could only squeak. The band played through many Captain Beefheart and Frank Zappa covers, even going as far as to play some "Joe's Garage" material. Some of the people were shocked at the language Lammy was singing on "Stick It Out" and "A Token of My Extreme", but they loved the covers nonetheless.

However, what really caught the audience's attention was the finale, "Got To Move! (Millennium Girl)". From the opening riffs to the made-up saxophone solo on the spot and to the breakdown at the end of the song, the crowd was cheering for the band to sing. However, since Lammy's voice was not distinguished in any way, Katy sang this song about never taking the easy way out of everything. The crowd loved Katy's vocals, despite Lammy's vocals having more rawness and anger in them, usually ingredients for a dynamic lead singer. From that moment, Katy would be the de facto lead singer of the band and Lammy would be a background vocalist, except for a few songs.

After the song ended, the crowd was moshing heavily, knocking over tables with pizza and soda still on them, throwing dollar bills at the band, especially ones of large amounts. The band took some up in Don's trademark fedora hat and even got a check from Spike, who was offstage, having a Newport to ease his mind.

He said, "You played perfectly, guys. I'm gonna pay you your 200, since you didn't eat here tonight, but come again soon," and the band left through the backstage exit.

* * *

The band climbed into Katy's newly bought tour van, a 1994 Renault Espirit, and they drove off to a Beard Burger, where they got some fries and a few sodas. Don had already eaten, so he declined the meal from the band. Little did he know that all of them were now vegetarians, except for Ma-San. The band soon stopped over at the apartment complex and got out, taking the food with them. They entered Lammy's apartment and saw her dad just staring at the TV, having watched the concert on public television.

Jimmy said to Lammy, "Hey, Lammy, why'd you curse at the audience? Did you know you're just 16?"

Lammy slowly walked to her dad and replied with a fear, "D-d-d-dad, I was just singing a few songs. I don't agree with what they say, but I had to. It was not the band nor it was Mr. Spike. It was I. I'm a bad Lammy, Daddy. I'm a very, very, VERY bad Lammy. Go ahead. Spank my behind. Whip my back until I feel the pain of my Savior. Pull the horns out of my head. Shoot my head with a gun. Give me head trau-"

Jimmy interrupted, "Don't push yourself down, Lammy. That was my only complaint. I'm actually happy that you fought your fear and went out on that stage tonight. In my opinion, you were better than me at my first concert with Zeppelin," and the band went into the kitchen to eat.

Don stayed behind and said, "So, Mr. Page, what were your opinions on the concert? I thought it could use a little improvement, like a band logo and some stage costumes, but otherwise, I give it an A."

Jimmy replied, "Didn't you hear my statement I gave to Lammy? That was my true opinion to everybody! Of course, you gave this concert more juice. Are you thinking about being in the band?"

Don thought for a moment and said, "I wasn't really interested, but it felt so good to be on stage again, so I'll give it a try. At least I'm not the spotlight kid."

Jimmy then yelled to the girls in the kitchen, "Hey! Don's in the band now!"

Don blushed. So did the girls, especially Lammy, who sank a little lower until she fell to the floor in anguish.

She said, "Oh, damn. Oh, damn."

* * *

Soon, MilkCan went on their non-stop performance tour, getting criticized every which way they go. Sometimes, they're judged as the non-visual version of "Citizen Kane". Sometimes, they're booed at, thanks to a poor performance or if somebody decided to go crazy. Sometimes, the band got paid. Sometimes, the band played for charity. Sometimes, the band passed the hat around. Sometimes, Lammy sang lead vocals. Sometimes, Katy sang vocals. Even Ma-San and Don did a song one time, but nobody remembered what time that was. Sometimes, Don was out because of a cold or family business. Sometimes, Lammy skipped a concert because of colds or family business. Sometimes, Ma-San's dad didn't allow his daughter to perform. Sometimes, Katy was out for obvious reasons. Sometimes, they had to cancel the concerts due to all members being out for a reason. While that went around, word of mouth came around that Lammy and the Can were making a full-length LP, their first kind, for sale.

The band gave in and booked a few weeks in winter 1997 over at Whitney Studios, where they got their first glimpse of making a full first album. Since no producer like Steve Albini, Butch Vig, or Jack Douglass wanted to be around them, Don decided to produce their album. He arranged them to what he saw them from the booth. Lammy was on the left side, Katy was on the right, and Ma-San was in stereo, with the ride cymbal and parts of the toms on the left, the hi-hat and a few toms on the right, and the snare and crash cymbals in stereo.

The band recorded some of their original songs, which were in progress at that point. One of them was a song called "Keep Your Head Up!" which was a song that Ma-San wrote one Saturday afternoon at a coffee house. The other incomplete song was "We Are MilkCan", a bragging song about how the band was "awesome" and stuff like that. The only complete song was "Got to Move!" as it needed no added parts. Soon, the album was complete. The band was gaining popularity through California, so they got a deal with Interscope Records to distribute it to many record stores in California _only._

The record sold a few copies during its first week, but then started to sell more as the band started to be more popular around the West Coast. Soon, Interscope bought the rights to this album and sold it across the USA. Still, more West Coasters bought it because they knew what MilkCan was.

All of that changed when the music magazines Mondo 2000 and Spin wrote articles about this new sensation sweeping across the West Coast they called the "MilkCan Sound". That started to make more sales for the album and soon, MilkCan was getting gigs in Atlanta, Baltimore, and even Charlottesville. They had to get on-the-road schooling for a while until they decided to cancel the gigs on the East Coast and play mainly in California. Still, the people from the East Coast saw their concerts by traveling out their ahead of time. The band was getting popular.

At school, every student recognized Katy, Lammy, and Ma-San as MilkCan and even wanted them to sign their copies of the CD. The band agreed and soon, they were famous. At the same time, Lammy couldn't take it, so she would hole herself in her room and not play for a while.

In conclusion, when would MilkCan get a real major label deal with all of this publicity and popularity? Not too late, but one hot June night in 1999.

* * *

On June 3, 1999, the band was fresh out of high school and done with graduation for good. They were going to be heading off to college soon, but that was if they didn't get a label deal with one of the Big Four (Warner, EMI, RCA, Sony) or at least with Matador. The band found out about a gig over at the Chop Chop Master Arena and read that the proprietor was getting every talent scout from every record label to get into that arena so they could sign this sensation. In response, they held a big party over at Katy's new home in the suburbs, as her dad wanted to live in somewhere else rather than an apartment, and invited all of their friends. Lammy and Ma-San came with the party objects and set up an area to hear an acoustic MilkCan perform their more well-known songs on the West Coast at some specific time.

Katy opened the door and said, "Hey, girls. How's it been?"

Lammy replied, "Well, the landlord wants my family out of the apartment because my dad has this money from Led Zeppelin and he still won't buy a real house. I guess he's just frugal. About the party, I don't know if I can play…I'm not so well. I think I have a cold," and pretended to sneeze.

Katy noticed Lammy's lie and dragged her in, saying, "Lammy, are you trying to get out of the fortune and fame?"

Lammy answered, "I don't believe that fortune and fame is everything," and plopped down on the couch, having her guitar being strapped on by Katy.

Katy then said, "I'm the boss around here, Lammy, so don't try to go your own way. If you do, you will get fired from MilkCan for your life. Remember when you weren't so happy? Well, fortune and fame made you happy, so shut up, play the guitar, and don't say anything, got it?"

Lammy nodded her head in fear and they started to rehearse.

* * *

The next day, Lammy was sleeping in her apartment, having being completely burned out from the party, when an alarm rang all of a sudden. Lammy turned off her alarm clock and yawned.

She said, "It was only a dream," and proceeded to look at the time.

She was late for the life-changing concert, so she got her guitar and proceeded to run to the Chop Chop Master Arena. On her way, she encountered many obstacles, like a building on fire, a schizophrenic/bipolar pilot that looked like a member of the AARP, a guitar builder obsessed with chopping trees down for fun, and the threat of Hell (**or for you Americans who don't have the European version of UmJammer Lammy, a tropical island**). She ended up to her rehearsal on time, oddly at the same time as Katy and Ma-San, who were late because of obstacles that were unheard of at the time, like nerds obsessed with video gaming and crazed Frank Zappa fans dressed up like poodles. Well, the band got ready, performed their sound check, and opened the curtains in less than a minute. However, Don was taking his wife out for a night on the town, so he wasn't there. In his place was a DAT tape player.

* * *

As soon as the band walked out on stage, the fans and talent scouts cheered.

Lammy started to say into the microphone, "We are-" but then Katy yelled with all her might, "WE…ARE…MILKCAN!!"

The audience screamed back, "MILKCAN! HELL YEAH!" and Katy waved.

She then said, "Lammy's voice isn't too well today, so I'll be taking over on vocals," and proceeded to give a signal to Ma-San.

Ma-San clicked her sticks and said, "(One, two, and a one, two, three, four!)"

Suddenly, the room was full of catchy pop punk, thrash metal, folk-punk, progressive pop, Southern rock, country, and a bit of alternative rock. The talent scouts moved closer to the stage after each song was played and started to wave contracts in the air. That wasn't the case for the scout representing Atlantic Records. He ran and climbed onto the stage, waving his contract in front of Lammy. If it was during a song, the band would've beaten him up and denied his deal, but alas, the band was finished with "Got to Move!"

The scout said to Katy, "I wanna sign MilkCan! I want to sign MilkCan! Come on! I want to sign the Can!"

Katy replied in a harsh tone, "Why? We were about to get into another song here! And we're not Can! We're MilkCan!"

Lammy then said to her friend, "Katy, be nice to the Atlantic Records executive," and Katy took the man to the back room, Lammy and Ma-San following her.

In the backroom, the band was reading the contract that the talent scout had laid in front of them.

He said, "Don't worry. If you think we're gonna pressure you to make the same genre of music over and over, I'm not that man. We want you to sign our free agent, free-liberty, free-to-do-anything contract lasting for 2 albums with a 250,000 advance for your first album," and the band kept on looking at the contract.

Finally, Katy said, "We'll take it," and signed various points at the contract with red arrows that said, "Sign here".

* * *

After the band signed the contract, they waved goodbye to the talent scout and opened the door to see various fans and one supposed-to-be-dead, grey anthropomorphic lamb. MilkCan then evaded from the rabid fans.

Meanwhile, at a restaurant in Beverly Hills, he and Janet were watching TV and eating dessert when suddenly, the waiter tuned the channel to a WDR-type (If you haven't seen episodes of Beat Club or any German krautrock performances, WDR is West Germany's PBS. I think it still exists) station, playing the MilkCan concert.

As Don watched the concert and saw the talent scout for Atlantic climb onto the stage, he said to himself, "Crap. Because I'm the saxophonist in the band, that means I'm famous. Gail's going to target me after all."

Jan looked at her husband and said, "Donald, what's the matter?"

Don replied, "Jan, because I'm in MilkCan and that MilkCan got signed to a label, that means that Gail's going to target me. Just because I was Captain Beefheart does not mean that she can try to destroy every master tape of my albums! Because of various re-releases, they're selling like pancakes at IHOP! And that's a feat even my good ol' mentor Frank Zappa couldn't do. You know what he did? He sold his stuff to Rykodisc and they don't have a connection with a major label, except for their CEO, who ran Island Records and Palm! Now, if Warner bought Ryko, then that means Frank's worst nightmare came true," and stood up.

Jan replied, "Go get 'em, tiger. Go show the world what Captain Beefheart is really: a guy who hates the spotlight," and Don ran out to his Lincoln Continental.

He cranked it up and drove extremely fast to the Arena, where MilkCan were, on top of a beaten-down Ford Aerostar, evading all of the rabid fans.

Lammy yelled to Don, "Don, help us!" and her godfather suddenly honked the horn to his car, emitting out the first notes of "Bills' Corpse".

The fans ran away, evading the horrible tweeting things, and MilkCan was free to get into the Continental.

As they got in, Lammy said to Don, "Thanks for saving us. Why did you decide to pick us up?"

Don replied, "Well, I see they you walked here. I know you're too tired to drive home or to walk home, that's for sure. Also, I heard about this crazy lamb who ran to the Arena by doing all of these random tasks."

Lammy, Katy, and Ma-San then said, "Don't ask."

Don put on his infamous fedora hat and said, "Gail knows about your signing. She wants to burn my master tapes now! I won't let her! I just won't let her! She's so dirty!"

Lammy replied in a calm tone, "Okay. That's why you're not in music anymore?"

Don added, "Stop talking about that time of life, girl. I'm done past music."

Lammy replied, "But how come you write a new song every day?"

Don, in fear, said, "Um…you weren't supposed to know that!"

* * *

At Lammy's apartment, Jimmy was watching the TV set on the public television station, focusing on the MilkCan stage, when suddenly, the band entered the apartment.

Jimmy said to Lammy, "Welcome to Led Zeppelin's former label, Lammy. You're one of us now, along with Ray, Aretha, and CSNY."

Lammy's brain went kaput and she laughed in a bass tone, after that, fainting.

Katy replied, "What's with Lammy?"

Don replied, "She has those conniption fits all the time. I mean all the time. They come when she gets embarrassed," and lifted Lammy.

He put the lamb into her bed and said, "Night, night, Lam-Lam."

Lammy mumbled, "Leb' wohl, Beefy," and fell right asleep.

* * *

The next day, Lammy got into her father's car and drove all the way downtown to Ma-San's house…

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED…


	5. Make It Sweet

The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions

**By**

Malkmusian

* * *

**Chapter 5: Make It Sweet**

* * *

As I said before, Lammy woke up the day after the concert and thought, "Well, wouldn't it be nice if I met Ma-San for the day and knew what was with her?"

She got dressed into the clothes she had on yesterday and into a pair of Birkenstocks with her blue socks. After that, she put on her watch, kissed her teddy panda, and ran out of the room, leaving it in neat order. Lammy ran out to her father's car, a 1997 Ford Taurus, cranked it up, and drove all the way downtown to the pharmacy.

When she got there, she said to herself, "Boy, I can't wait for this day…I can wait. Ma-San is so destructive," and walked out of the car.

Lammy walked inside and saw that nobody was in the pharmacy, except for Mr. Ma, who was organizing the shelves.

He said to the lamb, "Ma-San's upstairs. Tell her to come down and help me or else I will kill her," and Lammy walked upstairs to see Ma-San eating in the living room while watching reruns of "Sanford and Son".

Lammy said to Ma-San, "Hey, Ma-San. How was the concert last night?"

Ma-San replied, "(Well, it was cool. I mean, at least we got signed to Atlantic, isn't that right?)" and continued eating her German food.

Lammy sat down next to the mouse and looked at the TV. Since she hated Redd Foxx's style of comedy, she put her head down and directed her attention to Ma-San.

After a few minutes of silence, Ma-San broke the ice by saying, "(How was your experience?)"

"My experience?" Lammy replied, "For starters, I was pushed around by Katy to fake a cold. Second of all, she sung terribly on the high notes. Third and finally, she is a bully. I don't know how anybody could love her?"

"(Well, I'm not necessarily friends with Katy. She is a bit harsh, but she still needs a drummer for the band.)"

"Glad to hear that, girl. What in the hell are you eating, though?"

"(German food.)"

"Can I try some?"

"(Sure.)"

Lammy got out a plastic fork from a bag on the floor and picked up a piece of schnitzel with it. She put it into her mouth and chewed it, not realizing that it was made of meat. Soon, she realized and spat it out into her hand.

Ma-San sighed and said, "(Well, I guess you're still a vegetarian.)"

Lammy replied, "I know. Ever since I saw that video, I've been too shocked. Damn…" and looked at Ma-San's sandals on the ground.

She said, "Ma-San, why do you wear sandals all of the time, even in winter? You know, do your feet freeze to death or something like that?"

Ma-San replied, "(Not really. I'm so used to the forces of nature, my feet are used to any outside element there is,)" and thought of something.

The mouse put her paws into Lammy's lap and said, "(Come on. Tickle me. I dare you.)"

Lammy, under so much pressure, rubbed her index finger on Ma-San's sole, making the mouse laugh extremely hard. After that, she went into the bathroom and washed her hands.

Ma-San said, "(Lammy, come back! Give me that ol' time religion! Don't give me no affliction! If it's good enough for you, then it's good enough for me! Mooooooonlight on Vermont!!)", prompting Lammy to come back in with various objects.

Lammy said, "Say 'AAAAH,' Ma-San Flur!" and used a frindle (or pen) to tickle Ma-San with.

The mouse, even though she was laughing so hard, let out an "AAAAH!" and tickled Lammy's armpits, causing the lamb to laugh. Soon enough, they were in a tickling fight, even stripping off each other's clothes to find more places to tickle.

* * *

After an hour of tickling, Katy Kat walked into the room with a few things and saw the two girls on the ground, gasping for breath. Ma-San's red dress was completely off, leaving the mouse in her lingerie. Lammy's shirt was off, her pants were at her ankles, her Birkenstocks were off, and one sock was completely off of a foot.

Katy said to them, "What in the fuck were you all doing over there? Why are you half-naked?"

Lammy replied, "Long story, Katy. Very long story," and started to laugh again.

She looked down to see Ma-San pulling off Lammy's other sock and tickling her foot again.

Lammy picked up the mouse and said, "Tickle fight is over, Ma-San."

The lamb got back into her clothes and walked out of the pharmacy. Ma-San grabbed a copy of a Samuel Beckett play and plopped down onto the couch. Only then, she started to read it.

* * *

Later that night, after a long day in the pharmacy, Mr. Ma came upstairs to see his daughter reading the play for the 50th time, not understanding what's with the guy not coming.

He said, "Why weren't you downstairs, helping us? We needed help! We needed profits! Why didn't you get off of your lazy ass and help us?"

Ma-San replied, "(I didn't know you needed help!)"

Mr. Ma shook his head and yelled, "Ma-San! You should've known! Now I know why you're a nobody!"

Ma-San got noticeably angry at that comment and threw her copy of "Waiting For Godot" at her dad.

She yelled, "(Dad, why are you doing this to me?)"

Her dad replied, "You are a nobody!"

Ma-San started to cry, but then she said in plain English, "Screw you, Dad. I'm going to bed," and did what she said.

* * *

When she climbed into her bed to take the pain away, a song was playing. As it got louder, she identified it as "Spoon" by Can. Soon, it got even louder and more annoying to her. When it reached critical point, her brain snapped and she started to go crazy. She ran out of her room with a Zippo lighter and checked downstairs to see if anybody was there. Nobody was there.

She thought it was safe, so she lit the lighter and burnt down every piece of Krautrock memorabilia in the living room. Meanwhile, her dad had forgotten to turn off the record player and went to the living room to do just that. However, when he entered, he found it in flames and with Ma-San dancing around happily and laughing very insanely.

He said to her, "What in the hell is going on here? Why are all of my relics from the Motherland in flames? Why am I angry at you? I am mad! You burnt them! You did, you did!"

Ma-San's fuse suddenly lit and she switched into Shin-Ma-San Mode, with beams of lighting coming from her eyes and fire where her dress was.

She yelled, "_Woman screams that she is woman! Mother screams that she is fertile. The father, however, cannot yell! He hasn't been born yet!_" and damaged more of the room with her powers.

After her powers were used up, she went back into being regular Ma-San and ran outside to across the street, where people watched as the house went up in flames. Her father followed her, but only after getting his already-damaged LPs and VHS cassettes of various German bands.

From the other side of the street, he said, "You worthless piece of shit! I'll end you! I'm going to rape you!" and put down his prized possessions.

He ran across the street, pushing Chief Puddle and the fire crew down, and beat up Ma-San to a bloody pulp

He said to her while beating her, "You killed my life! You killed West Germany! You killed the Nazis! You are a Nazi!! Die!"

Ma-San didn't say anything, as she breathed heavily and squirmed away from her dad. Finally, she fell asleep.

Her dad looked at her unconscious body and said, "You worthless nobody. Come back to me! Come back! Come!"

The people looked at Mr. Ma like if he was crazy. Soon, they booed him out and threw various foods at him. While that was happening, Ma-San crawled to a mailbox and tried to recuperate.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Lammy's house, the lamb was playing her copy of Mario Kart 64 when, suddenly, she saw a big flame come from downtown. As she lived near downtown and knew where Ma-San's house was, she assumed that Ma-San was in trouble. To confirm this, she called the house. She waited for a person to come on the other side, but instead heard a woman screaming in German.

Lammy said to her, "Mrs. Ma, what's wrong?"

Mrs. Ma replied, "Hilfe! Mein Haus ist in Brand!" and screamed as the flames came closer.

Lammy replied, "I can't understand you since you must be speaking German, but find the nearest exit. I don't care if you jump out of a window or from the roof, but get the hell out of that house quick!"

Mrs. Ma then said, "Was? Ich kann nicht verstehen Sie! Wo ist die nächste Ausfahrt?"

Lammy replied, "Grr…go to roof, jump off."

Mrs. Ma then said, "Vielen Dank, freundlich und sanft Stück Hammel. Jetzt werde ich Selbstmord begehen!" and hung up the phone.

Lammy hung up the phone on her side and turned off her Nintendo 64 and TV. She ran out of her room and went out to run all the way downtown to the pharmacy.

* * *

At Katy's house, the cat was getting out of the shower and was getting dressed when suddenly, her parents screamed in terror at the evening news. Because of this, Katy instead dressed into a white t-shirt, khaki pants, and red flip-flop sandals and ran to the living room. Both of her parents were in shock to see a house on fire on the news.

Katy said, "Why in the world are you screaming?"

John replied, "Katy, you know that Ma-San girl you've been hanging our with?"

Katy said with a tremble in her voice, "Y-y-y-yes, D-d-d-dad?"

Michelle blurted out, "She's half-dead. Her father beat her up for starting a fire. Even though she should get punished for the arson, she shouldn't get the crap beaten out of her."

Katy suddenly ran out of the house and climbed into her 1971 Dodge Charger. She ignited the engine and drove it towards downtown Rodneytown. On the way, she saw Lammy, who was exhausted from running, and rolled down the passenger window.

She said, "Lammy, climb in!" and Lammy climbed into the car.

Off they went to the scene of the crime.

Meanwhile, Ma-San was breathing heavily at the mailbox until she saw something head towards her. She thought it was somebody who wanted to kill her, so she fainted and made it seem like that she was dead. Out of the distance came a car and out of the car came her friends. They took the already unconscious Ma-San in the car and drove to the hospital. Meanwhile, Mrs. Ma walked across the street to see her daughter.

When she didn't see Ma-San, she cried out, "Ma-San! Ma-San!" and was hit by a news van.

She died at the moment of the impact by decapitation. The audience was shocked.

* * *

Five days later, Ma-San woke up in the hospital, connected to an IV and a heart monitor, with trays of uneaten food next to her, various Get Well Soon cards on her desk, and her friends standing by her bedside.

Ma-San said in a very weak voice, "(Where…am…I?)"

Lammy replied, "You were very damaged over at the fire, so we took you to the hospital to let you recuperate safely. You had internal bleeding and plus, there were some burns on you. Thank God your dress was undamaged," and held up Ma-San's dress, fresh from the dryer.

Katy then said, "Look, Ma-San, we really don't know how to tell you this, but…"

Ma-San replied, "(Just tell me the story, Katy. All that I know is that my mother's going to hold me in her arms, feed me soft serve, and tell me bedtime stories until I fall asleep. That's all I wanted.)"

Don sighed and said, "The news is, Ol' Mar, is that your father's been arrested, your brother's in a correctional facility due to his mindset as being a clone of Damo Suzuki, and your mother was killed by a news van, even decapitating her."

The room was silent for a few moments until Ma-San started to cry heavily. She cried so hard, the room flooded up to Lammy's knees.

Lammy said in a very soothing manner to the crying mouse, "Ma-San! It's okay! We're going to take you out of the scary hospital…"

Katy said to Lammy, "The hospital's only scary to you, Lammy."

Don said to the mouse, "Ma-San, stop crying!!"

Ma-San stopped crying. She listened.

Don said, "We're going to check you out and we're going to take you on an afternoon out. After that, we're going to the recording studio to record your first major label album!"

Ma-San smiled and jumped into Don's arms.

She said, "(Captain Beefheart, you're my new daddy.)"

Don blushed.

* * *

After checking out Ma-San, the girls took her out to Facial Hair/Beard Burger for lunch and then ran by the already-burnt pharmacy to see if anything had survived the fire. Well, a pair of Ma-San's shoes and an undamaged drum kit survived, so they got those and ran down to the recording studio…

At the recording studio, a gothic teenager with his girlfriend was adjusting the microphones in the recording booth when, all of a sudden, the band ran in.

The teenager said, "Hey! What are you people doing here? You know you have to book dates to record here!" and sat down in the chair.

Katy said to the boy, "Hey, Mr. McKinley, we're MilkCan. We're here to record our first major label album."

The boy stood silent for a few seconds and then said, "MilkCan? You're the MilkCan? I find that hard to believe! I, Ian, find that hard…to believe!"

Ian laughed like a maniac while Katy rolled her eyes.

Lammy then said to the boy, "It's true. We are. Katy, Lammy, Ma-San, Don. That's us."

Ian regained his composure and said, "When do you want to record, MilkCan?"

Katy replied, "Now. We need to cut this album almost immediately."

Ian said, "Got you," and wrote their name down on a piece of paper.

After that, he yelled, "Pip! Get out of the recording booth! MilkCan's here! They're recording their first major label album!"

A muffled voice from the other room replied, "Alright, Zip!"

* * *

Over the next few days, Ian and Erin watched as the band recorded their first major label album and divulged into the technical aspects of it. Seeing as how they wrote the lyrics in the studio and developed the tunes almost immediately, they were shocked. Also, to keep up with the actual album that came out in Japan in June of 1999, they called up many people that Lammy met on the way, including Chief Puddle, Cathy Pillar, Teriyaki Yoko, the schizophrenic psycho pilot, and even somebody who was supposed to be dead. According to both Zip and Pip, they did well in the solos, but found it a little annoying when Lammy did the call-and-response-type-of blues playing whenever somebody would sing a line. As usual, they asked the band if they could do a few covers, so they did…of "China Pig" by Captain Beefheart and "First I Look at the Purse" by the J. Geils Band. After that, Ma-San mixed the album.

On September 9, 1999, "Make It Sweet!" was released on Atlantic Records to critical acclaim and poor sales as predicted by the company. It only sold 500,000 copies within the first month. Even the single, "Got to Move! (Millennium Girl)", only charted at #37 on the Billboard Hot 100 while topping the charts on both the Modern Rock and Mainstream Rock charts. However, it did knock Limp Bizkit off the charts, but as usual, Atlantic Records threatened to terminate MilkCan's contract if they didn't release another single. They did, but it was "Power Off! Power On!" It charted at #24 on the Billboard Hot 100 and at #17 on the Modern Rock Tracks chart.

However, it would be until August 2000 that MilkCan wasn't going to make a second album. Unless...if something changed their minds altogether...

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED


	6. More Juice! Please

**The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions The Long One: The Documentation of Nefarious Rehearsal Sessions**

**By**

** Malkmusian **

* * *

**Chapter 6: More Juice! Please**

* * *

August 13, 2000. Lammy was on her bed, her hair all wet from using the bathtub, her feet bare, and in shorts. She was listening to her vinyl records of the Good Captain when in occurred to her that she should try thinking about making a new album. She knew that the band had a meeting the next day over at the Beard Burger, but she also knew that she had to continue her education in case if the band didn't get really popular with their sophomore album. She was enrolled at Stanford University, which was near her new home, a one-bedroom-one-bath house in Los Angeles, and was gaining credits to earn a degree in teaching.

Because of the choice of college, Lammy had to move away from her family, Katy (who still crashed with her parents in Palmdale), and Ma-San (who lived with Don over at his new house in Humboldt County until she could afford her own place). She was about 50-60 miles from Katy and about 150 miles from her godfather and Ma-San. Yet, despite all of this, she still had a good job as a music engineer at The Sound Recorder, near the empty shell of A&M Studios, and as the guitarist/vocalist in MilkCan. However, she had no control over the band. On that fateful day in June 1999, Katy took every bit of control from Lammy, even stating that Lammy should not sing on any of their albums.

But Lammy felt good. When she listened to "Bills Corpse", "Zig Zag Wanderer", or "Owed T'Alex", she felt like that with her advanced guitar skills and with her coincidentally distinguished voice, she could be on the way to start a solo career, but she had fallen back into the same fear that plagued her for almost 11 years: the fear that nobody would like her as much as they did with MilkCan…

But that all changed with one fateful phone call.

The phone rang.

Lammy answered it, "Hello? Who is this?"

The caller replied, "Oh, hey, Lammy. I've been trying to contact you for almost a year now, but you keep hanging up on me. I'm not a total stranger! I'm the sequel to both the flower power and Gothic generations!"

Lammy sighed and replied, "What do you want, MilkCan fan? Do you want my autograph for your vinyl, cassette, or CD copy of 'Make It Sweet'? I don't give out the autographs. Katy does. She also handles the artwork and music videos. Hopefully, I get to change all of that…"

The caller, now noticeably angry with Lammy's rambling, yelled, "_I'm not a MilkCan fan, you son of a bitch! Are you that naïve? I'm Rammy! Rammy Wiggin! Your friend from high school!_"

Lammy hung up the phone and slid down to the ground, breathing very heavily. Rammy was supposed to be dead, in Hell, playing with Teriyaki Yoko at that never-ending concert. As Lammy had remembered her, Rammy was trying to be nice, but there was something that ticked Lammy off. Whatever it was, even if it was the way she dressed or it could be that her mother was Rachel Wiggin of the Shaggs, it ticked Lammy off, making Rammy sad. One day, Rammy got so depressed that she became happy and killed herself with a gun from Wal-Mart. Lammy didn't know, but Rammy earned her freedom from Hell and went back via the multi-dimensional fax machine. Ever since June of 1999, she had been searching for Lammy all of this time.

Lammy screamed. Suddenly, a knock was heard from behind the door.

A voice said, "Pizza delivery! AAAAUGH!!" and Lammy opened the door.

She screamed, as she saw a decapitated pizza delivery boy with a cantaloupe as a head and shaking in his final spasms. Finally, the body fell down on its knees, revealing the killer: Rammy. Lammy screamed even louder.

Rammy replied, "You want your head chopped off, just like that cocksuckin' pizza boy? Well, answer to me next time, you imbecile!" and revealed both the pizza boy's real head and a shotgun.

Lammy said, trembling with fear and backing up very slowly, "Rammy, why do you want to kill me?"

Rammy smiled and replied to the fearful lamb, "Don't worry. I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to mutilate you to the point that you cannot play your guitar anymore! You were always the popular one in school because you had a band! You always made me late to my practices, causing me to get the pink slip from every band, and you wanted me to get into things I hated, like sports and student aide programs! Now, it's time for me to gain the spotlight!"

Lammy ran away and locked the door. Suddenly, Rammy shot down the door and chased Lammy throughout the room. During this, she shot at various objects, causing them to explode. At that point, Lammy ran under the bed and hid from Rammy's terror. Also, because of an overdose of fear in Lammy, she zoned out to her dream world, 1969's Los Angeles.

* * *

_Over at the Trout Mask House, Captain Beefheart & the Magic Band were so excited that they got to get out of the house to celebrate a victory well done._

_Zoot Horn Rollo saw Lammy and said to her, "Hey, Lammy! We're heading out to lunch! We finally know the whole entire album! We're going to record it in a studio after that!"_

_The Captain, who was next to Zoot, said to him, "You're paying for lunch. I pay for Lammy and I. After that, Frank pays for the studio rent. However, I want Lammy to come to me."_

_Lammy blushed and followed her musical idol to the car._

_In the car, Lammy was looking outside. Everywhere, there were many false hippies, most under the influence of LSD. Even though Frank Zappa was right, she didn't take into account of his opinion. All she could think about were the hot looks of Don Van Vliet._

_Beefheart, who knew that Lammy was looking at him, said to her, "Hey, Lammy…are you tired of being pushed around?"_

_Lammy replied, "Yeah, by my friend Katy. Why?"_

_"Well, I thought I could help you gain control over the band by putting them under the same trial I'm putting them under. Instead of writing shitty pop songs and letting them go to their comfortable homes, why not write some experimental music and lock them in a house for a long period of time? It can be a month or so, but with the control you gain, you can keep your band from selling out! Sounds fair?"_

"_Well, Beefheart," Lammy said, crossing her feet, "I don't think I could do that."_

_"Why?" Don asked, "It's easy: perform some covers of mine! It'd be good and I'd be in love with you. I'd finally love somebody instead of that teenybopper Jan. What's greater is that I'll be in love with a lamb. I dig lambs."_

_Lammy nodded her head to understand that she understood and removed her shoes. She stood up and saw Sunset Boulevard in all of its glory. That famous billboard of the model, La Brea Tar Pits, Mt. Wilshire, In-N-Out Burger, and a certain grayscale figure on the sidewalk, pointing a gun at the car._

_At that moment Lammy screamed and turned her head around as to not see that person. When she poked on Zoot Horn Rollo's shoulder, she saw that it was Rammy._

_Rammy said to her, "I CAN FINALLY KILL THAT BITCH AND SHOW HER WHAT HELL REALLY IS!" and shot the gun at Lammy._

_Lammy felt the bullet go into her forehead, instantly blacking her out due to the pain, and bleeding from her mouth. She died. However, at the moment she died, she woke up._

* * *

Lammy woke up to find Rammy in front of her, face to face. Rammy still had the gun pointed at Lammy, but suddenly, her hand shook and she started to bawl in tears. At that moment, Rammy got into a fetal position and Lammy climbed out of the bed.

Rammy said to Lammy, "Lammy! Please forgive me! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to kill the pizza guy, but I knew you thought I was dead! Well, let me tell you something: all I wanted was to be in your band! That's all I asked, but you decided to be macho and call me a traitor and stuff like that. Do you forgive me?" and she sobbed even more.

Lammy replied with haste, "Not now, Rammy. I got a band to talk to!" and grabbed her guitar.

She also put on a pair of pink socks and shoes and ran out of the door. Rammy sat there, crying, until she stopped.

At that moment, she said to herself, "Wait a minute…I could try to tell my friends to talk her out of it, but I couldn't interrupt their meeting. They all think I'm dead. Well, we'll just wait until they cause some damage that I come in," and walked over to Lammy's vinyl collection.

She dug around and saw a few Nick Drake albums. She grabbed the "Pink Moon" LP, which had her signature on it, and ran out.

* * *

The next day, at Beard Burger (aka a Rodneytown tradition), MilkCan were at a table, eating their food. While Ma-San and Don were eating their 5-patty Beard Burgers with medium curly fries and Mega Gulps of Dr Pepper, Lammy and Katy were munching on salads, medium curly fries, and medium Dr Peppers.

Don stood up and said, "Well, band, I was asked by Drumbo if I could join his revival of the Magic Band for about 200 shows. I said 'Yeah', so I'm leaving this band on a hiatus so I could focus on my real band. I heard that it's a mixture of the lineups I've had of the bands. Of course, Zoot's in it, but Jeff Morris Tepper, Bruce Fowler, Rockette Morton, and Alex St. Clair are in there. One thing's for certain, we need to change our name. I don't want all my old fans to come in, asking me to autograph their 'Trout Mask Replica' master tapes and then smoke them."

At that point, he sat down and noticed that the band was sleeping from his long announcement.

He stood up again and said, "Meanwhile, we finally got 2x Platinum sales from the RIAA for that album we did last year."

At that point, the band woke up and cheered about the sales. However, Lammy was just cheering to please Katy. If Lammy didn't do any little thing Katy thought of, she'd be fired and replaced by another guitarist.

However, Lammy stopped cheering when Don continued, "I'm leaving the band."

Lammy replied, "Why would you? We're cute, nice, and sexy!"

Don sighed and said, "Lammy, sometimes you need to learn that you have to switch bands as you get along in life. MilkCan is just a lowly garage rock band with a gimmick that somehow revolves around me being its saxophonist. You have to grow up, Lammy. You can't keep on holding on to me forever."

Lammy cried as Don left.

Katy said to Lammy, "Oh, hush it. He's too unimportant. Besides, MilkCan will always live!" and Lammy zoned out into her own little world, a place she hadn't been to in years.

* * *

_In Lammy's world, she was in the middle of a white room, surrounded by various deceased rock stars. All of them were repeating the same movements over and over, even mouth movements and sounds._

_The Lizard King, tall, brave, and on LSD, had to say this to her, "Do the album. Now."_

_Janis Joplin, drunk from a bottle of Southern Comfort, said, "Write the album now."_

_James Marshall "Jimi" Hendrix, with a reefer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, slurred out, "Oh…d-d-do…and write…the…AYLBUM!"_

_Bon Scott, his face turning blue, said in his heavy Australian accent, "You know my guys made 'Back in Black' when I died, right? Well, do this album for your hero."_

_John Lennon, nude and fire covering his eye sockets, slurred out, "Turn me on, dead man. Turn me on, dead man."_

_Kurt Cobain and Frank Zappa, guitars in hand, played "My Human Gets Me Blues" while Cobain's mouth spewed out blood, staining the caverns of Lammy's mind. Lammy suddenly blacked out._

_"ETHEL, WANNA GET A CUPPA CAWFEE?" a voice screamed._

_"Howard Johnson's! Howard Johnson's!" a screech female voice screamed back._

_"AH! THERE'S A HOWARD JOHNSON'S! WANNA EAT SOME CLAMS?!"_

_As the voices passed through Lammy's now-dark mind, she regained consciousness, the white room transformed into the interior of the Trout House, and the dead rock starts became the Magic Band. Captain Beefheart came out of nowhere._

_The Captain came up to Lammy and said to her, "Why aren't you making the album yet?"_

_Lammy stuttered, "W-w-w-well, Mr. Don V-van V-v-v-v-v-vliet, sir, I need to get my, or Katy's, band together."_

_Captain Beefheart said, "They're with you right now!" and with a snap of his fingers, he transmogrified Rockette Morton and Drumbo into Katy Kat and Ma-San._

_Katy said to the fearful lamb, "Don't worry. We are always with you! We are MilkCan! Rocking to the rhythm, rolling to the beat! Here we come, here we come! Hold on to your seat!"_

_Lammy smiled and jumped up in the air, playing some Zappa-esque guitar solo and with an LSD-influenced backdrop next to her. However, since it was her own world, she was snapped out of it._

* * *

For the past 5 minutes, Katy was trying to get Lammy to come out of her world until Lammy got out by a slap on the face.

Katy said to Lammy, "Lammy, Lammy, listen to me. If you are that desperate, you are the official band leader."

Lammy grinned and said to her band, "Come with me to our rehearsal spot! Hurry!"

The band followed Lammy, uneasy at best.

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED.


End file.
